👟👠 Tell me no lies (#5)

Hi ! I shared this newsletter on Facebook yesterday, and had a nice uptick of subscribers - welcome to all of you 👋 . This week I am thinking (and writing) about (not) telling lies, equine therapy, creativity as an antidote to anxiety and how our mind distorts reality. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here. - Eve D.❣️

WEEK IN REVIEW

I had a really weird, yin-yang week.

On the one hand, I experienced pure joy for no specific reason. I just felt so happy with life in general. Everything felt right, even though it of course wasn’t. I realised those type of feelings will not randomly appear unless we make room for them in our lives.

On the other hand, the shit then hit the fan proper: I came down with some sort of infection that forced me to slow down, my computer refused to reformat, leaving me with a dead machine for too long and the car spent a day at the mechanic with an unexpected problem. The public holiday on a Wednesday created an effective long weekend where it seemed that even those people who were not out of the office on Thursday and Friday wished they were.

Now it’s Friday night and I type this with glass of red in hand 🍷 , Taylor Swift in the background 🎵 , and a dog snoring (loudly) 💤 . So I guess life is back to being normal and good. Hope that’s true for you too 🤞 .

FUN FACT ABOUT ME

Today is 4 May, which is May the fourth, which sounds like May the force (be with you), which is a Star Wars saying…hence…it’s Star Wars Day today. The fun fact? I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie 😆 

Telling no lies

I watched the 2.5hr (!) Tim Ferris interview with Martha Beck this past week, and some things worth thinking about stood out for me.

1.She spent a year of not lying. 
No lies at all, not even little white lies or lies to herself. That led to some awkward situations, as you may imagine. She tells the story of how a friend wanted to come and stay with her for a while, and Martha had to (kindly) tell her that she didn’t actually want her in her house. But it’s by living a life of honesty that we meet our most authentic selves. As she says, “when we begin to weave webs of deception, we need to expend enormous mental energy to prevent them from tangling. There’s less brain power left over for solving real problems, and we start to falter in other areas of our lives”.

She says that an added bonus of speaking the truth is that we become increasingly accurate at spotting false agendas in others, which makes us safer in every situation. This is true! I have a colleague who easily tells a lot of “small” lies to get out of social events, explain missed deadlines etc. The ease with which she does this makes me question her authenticity to me. And, it also probably explains why she so often lies to herself, without realising it.

It’s worth mentioning that telling lies today is especially risky. There is so much potential evidence to be caught out. I remember once my boyfriend told me he was attending a late business meeting, but the next day my sister sent me a photo from a restaurant’s Facebook page with his face in it… the restaurant owner had innocently posted a photo to social media promoting her locale, and he was right there, having dinner with some buddies (!). It was an unnecessary lie, but a sign of things to come. (Hint: he is my ex now! 😀 )

As an exercise, I decided to take note how often I lied today. The answer? Zero, by my count, but to be fair I didn’t have any intense or difficult conversations with anyone and I already have a pretty strict no-lies policy for myself (I have long learnt it is so much better to just speak the truth and get it over and done with, than tap dance around issues). I do allow the white lies that might, for example, help friends feel better, without causing any other harm. I’m going to keep on paying attention…Martha suggests writing down lies we tell in a notebook, and noticing patterns that can help us figure out how to live more honestly. Try it!

.

2.It all works out, eventually
She was married for many years before she came out as gay. Her husband, conveniently, also came out as gay. (Two great examples of lying to yourself and others!) But what struck me here is the nonchalance with which she mentioned this in the interview. It was a throw away line, an afterthought. But can you imagine what turmoil she must have experienced at the time of her coming out?

There’s a lesson here: we must not forget that this too shall pass. The problems and issues we think are near insurmountable today will be a mere speck of dust or memory in 10 years time. Think of the worst things that were going on in your life ten years ago. I bet you can only (at best) remember the facts, but not feel the trauma (kind of like childbirth!). We just need to keep breathing through it all. I tell my kids this all the time.

.

3.Equine therapy is magical
Martha spoke a bit about equine therapy and it was enticing enough for me to go and do my own research. Here is an article she wrote for Oprah magazine. It is incredible. I knew horses were intelligent, but I didn’t know how intuitive and sensitive they were, and how much people - and especially children, I would think - can benefit from spending time in their company. It really makes me want to start horse riding again. I say “again” because I did a bit of that when I was a kid. And it is a dream of mine to gallop down a beach on horseback. (I’ve done that twice, years ago, and it was exhilarating.)

HOME AND LIFE

Everywhere you go, you can take it all with you

I mentioned in a previous newsletter that I am now all about priorities ie accepting that there are a million things I'd like to do in this life, but just won't get to do them because they're not a priority (at least not now). “Living in an RV while travelling across the US” is one of these things I would theoretically love to do, but practically I know I never will. Nevertheless, there is no harm in fantasizing.

So...these RVs are wild. They expand…like…literally. The RV walls "slide out" so when parked they are wider than when they are on a road (see photo above). This one, from an account I follow, @fuelyourwander on Instagram, has: a king size bed, a full bathroom, 4 TVs, a working kitchen, a washer and dryer, a dishwasher, plenty of closet space etc etc. It also costs about $1.2million 💰️ 

But that's not even the best part. Because of course you get to drive and park it at these dedicated camp sites, made just for these type of RVs. It literally becomes your home, and your home can be wherever the road takes you. The “camp” spot pictured below is on the ocean front, has a furnished patio, the sea view, a fully equipped outdoor kitchen, loungers and so much more. It’s not cheap…costs about $600/night (but, to be fair, it is the most expensive one this couple has ever stayed in).

This couple has been doing it for I think 3-4 years already. And if you're curious, they tow a Jeep which they use to drive around in when RV is parked. And I’ve seen other couples do this with kids, dogs, full time jobs etc.

FREE THERAPY

CREATIVITY

One other thing that Martha Beck said is that the opposite of anxiety is creativity: you can’t be doing something creative and feel anxious at the same time. I don’t know if that’s true, but I have always referred to myself as a “frustrated creative”. I thought that just because I couldn’t draw, I couldn’t be creative.

Now, of course, I know better and I am always trying to do something new. (I fall for all the IG reels that make me think its easy to bead, do pottery, design earrings, upstyle lampshades, restore furniture, create digital art etc 🤣 I have no regrets! ). Currently, I am very much into collage. This is not my piece, but it’s the type of stuff I am trying to do. Will post mine when I succeed 😆 

MAKING THINGS UP

Martha Beck might not have lied to the world for a year, but her brain lied to her all the time. All our brains do 😯. The more I learn about how our brain/mind really works, the more freaked out and amazed I get. Like…do you know that we are always living milliseconds in the future? And that our brain filters out all the non essential things around us and makes us believe that things that are not really there are.

Here is an example: this photo is actually black, white and cyan. There is no red in the picture at all. Enlarge it if you don’t believe me. And then come and join me in the “freaked out” corner.

MOVIES

I told you a couple of weeks ago how I have a weekly, long distance, movie date night with my friend Nik. In the last two weeks we had a mini Tom Cruise marathon and watched Mission Impossible 7 (his choice) and Maverick (my choice). MI7 is….hilarious. Both intentionally and unintentionally when it tries to make us believe absurd story lines.

Maverick, on the other hand, is honestly one of the best movies ever made. This is the second time I’ve watched it and it is just utter perfection for me. Love the storyline, the sub plots, how it ties into the original Top Gun. Two thumbs up.

Thanks for reading!

That’s it for this week. (Want more? You can find past editions here). I hope you have a great weekend and upcoming week. Please keep sharing /forwarding to your friends/groups 😄 and let me know any feedback (you can just hit reply to this email, if you’re reading it in your inbox).

~If you liked this…~

If you think a friend might enjoy the newsletter, please invite them using the link below. You can also just forward them the email 🙏. Even better…if you have comments or ideas for Sneakers and Heels, please hit reply on this email and let me know. Or you can email directly on [email protected]

And if it’s not your cup of tea, I totally understand! You can unsubscribe using the link in the footer.

PS

Just lIke that, Season 3 is coming and it won’t have Che!! (If you know, you know). 🥳