👟👠 The gift of permission (#6)

Hi ! Welcome to all the new subscribers 👋 . This week I am thinking (and writing) about giving ourselves permission, fake podcasts, cool bookshops in Japan, women (not) playing chess and thieves who don’t pay their restaurant bills. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here. - Eve D.❣️

WEEK IN REVIEW

Wait, what? Is the week really over? I know it’s a cliche to ask this, but why is time running so fast ⏰ ? I heard someone say recently that their goal, while the kids are still at home, is to “slow time down” and savour each moment. Cool concept bro, but how?

So I had a pretty uneventful and fast week. I re-launched my business newsletter (Boost! by rehealth) and that received some great feedback (it’s much bigger than this one, and just as much fun to right. Aimed at South Africans. If that’s you, you can sign up here). I cooked up some great meals. Went (am still going?) through a mini existential crisis. Bought a cheap but life changing gadget (see below) and finished watching Grace and Frankie. Zac got his Yellow 2 belt in karate, and is entering the Nationals at the end of the month. Micole is stressing for a tough week of tests and assignments in her final year of actuarial science (not different from any other week, if you ask me. This degree is a nightmare). Everyone is looking forward to the weekend!

FUN FACT ABOUT ME

🌳 I am an award winning landscaper! Here is a photo of a Bali garden I designed (with my team) for a gardening exhibition. We won first place 🏆️ That’s the fun news. The bad news is that that was about 20 years ago, and I really don’t garden much now at all (not least because my dogs dig up whatever I plant instantly). 🐕️ I am itching to redo my patio though, with lots and lots of pots.

LIFE STRATEGY

Permission to talk to yourself

As I said, I finished watching Grace and Frankie. In one of the last episodes, Frankie is discussing her will, and says she left one of her sons “Permission”. At first I thought Permission would be a turtle or something (if you know Frankie, you know), but no…it was in fact just that: Permission. It got me thinking that it actually is a gift, but one you can give yourself.

One thing that changed drastically when I turned 50 was my attitude to my life: I suddenly started giving myself permission to be me. I think it has a lot to do with realising that time is moving on, and that all those compromises and insecurities I had been carrying did not end up serving me at all. Honestly, what they tell you is true: no one is watching, and even if they are…who cares? Do you, be you. 

We do already know that if we want to wear funky clothes, dye our hair purple, not clean our houses every day, eat chocolate for breakfast, homeschool our kids, refuse to go to church, stop tolerating people who annoy us…we can Just Do It.

But it’s actually more subtle than that, too. I strongly suggest you give yourself permission to have deep, self-explanatory conversations with yourself. If you allow yourself to really examine your life, you might find many tiny, hidden compromises that you make with yourself day to day, that serve no one, and especially not you. Or they could be big compromises, who knows? Maybe you finally admit to yourself that you hate your career, or that you are unhappy in your marriage. It doesn’t mean you should quit your job or file for divorce, but it does mean that you need to start thinking about how these situations can be fixed. We deserve a fulfilling life. This is why women refer to midlife as a  “second chapter”. It’s when we realise we’d been living to someone’s (no-one’s!) standard, and we become sick of it. 

✏️ Tip: One of the best ways to have uncompromising, no-BS conversations with yourself is to write morning pages: 750 unfiltered words. I wrote about my morning page process here. I don’t do it everyday, only when I need a reality check. Actually, now that I mention it, it wouldn’t hurt me to write them for the next week or so. I am grappling with some life questions, and the morning pages will help add clarity. Join me!

But…admittedly, Permissions do have limits: 😂 

GOOD READS AND FOLLOWS

• 🇯🇵 I told you a couple of weeks ago about Nick Grey and his blind date in Japan. He’s now written a full blog post about it, that you can read here.

• 🌳 Ben Newell (@worcesterterrariums) was a postman with a sidehustle. Now he is a published author with 1.2 million followers on Instagram. He builds terrariums and vivariums. Some of the terrariums will outlive him…they are literally designed to survive in their closed environment for eternity. He houses some of the tiniest, cutest and very poisonous frogs in the vivariums. Oh, and also some dinosaurs. It’s a lovely, soothing account to follow.

• ❤️‍🔥 Sarah has been single for 16 years, and has decided to start writing a series on her dating adventures. I think it’s going to be a hit! “That said, I have also arrived at an age and in an era where I no longer have the tolerance and time, nor do I think it’s good for humanity, to continue to tip-toe around any kind of regressive, destructive behaviour from men. Like most women, I have done this all my life.”

Why do women not play chess?

Zac, my 13yr old,  plays chess, and was invited to take part in his first official tournament. This appeared on the promotional pamphlet, with respect to the prize money:

At first I was incredulous. Why are they segregating females and giving them “extra” money? Do they think we are less capable than men in chess? It’s not like winning a chess match requires physical exertion (like, for instance, winning the 100m race does). There is no logical reason to distinguish between men and women when it comes to chess, surely? What sort of message does this send to the girls…and to Zac? I was ready to attack.

Thank goodness I researched it first! Turns out, only 4 women have ever ranked in the Top 100, and there are many reasons for this. It won’t surprise you that we aren’t exactly made to feel welcome. “The general paucity of women in chess has contributed to women commonly being the subject of sexism, harassment, and sexual harassment, factors also thought to contribute to women achieving less or leaving chess early.”(Wikipedia). And since there are fewer women playing, there are of course fewer female top players. It has nothing to do with intellect, but a lot to do with culture of the sport.

So actually, by offering the extra R1,000+ incentive, the organisers of Zac’s tournament are trying to fix the problem and encourage girls to sign up, while they are still young. So, that is, in fact, a good thing. And as for the sexism and harassment…well, I guess it’s up to the parents of the incoming youths to teach them to be better. That’s my job. ♟️ 

THE ANGRY SECTION

No tolerance for this level of shit from men

Allow me to rant. Please. This man is infuriating me on Instagram. His shtick is to keep women in a “safe space” while he coaches them through “past trauma”. Now…I’ve seen men coach women, obviously, but I’ve never seen a man coach women seemingly exclusively. Seems a bit rich. But that’s not the problem. I can even look past the shit he says that is just either plain wrong, plain stupid, or a plain case of mansplaining: “Is cheating wrong? ..it’s more complicated than you may think. It’s not about wrong or right, …you see in my own life cheating came from a very wounded place..a place of compensation…I would cheat and show myself that I was free…” 🤮

No, what grinds me is that he is literally, 💣️ LITERALLY 💣️ deceiving us with this account. Look at these images. What do you think is going on?

At first, you think he’s being interviewed on a podcast, right? Microphones and all. That’s pretty … cool…he must be quite credible, and well known, right? Probably worth a listen?

But then … I soon realised he doesn’t actually say he’s on a podcast. There are no links to see the full episode. Then…I noticed the background. It’s the same in all the shots, but the outfit is different. Wait…so is he being interviewed, or is he the interviewer? And who is he speaking to?

Then it dawned on me…this is a “fake podcast”...where influencers pretend they are being interviewed, to gain credibility. They don’t look into the camera ...rather they pretend they are sitting across from someone, and are answering an interviewer’s question. This guy actually “fake-repeats” the question in his clips as in “…is cheating wrong? That’s a very good question. Let me answer it…” 😂 

Influencers can do whatever they want to do to gain followers. I’m not going to police them. But this particular case is horrendously EXTRA bad because…. he is helping women through past trauma. But why do a lot (most?) women have past trauma?? It’s because we have been deceived by men, gaslighted and lied to. And this “coach” is doing it to us under the guise of helping us. He is lying about his credibility and his authority. He is cheating us into trusting him. He is feeding us the very same, condescending crap that we are running away from.

I think it’s despicable. 

(Now that I’ve shared this rant, I can unfollow him! 🥳 Thanks for listening 🙏 )

FREE THERAPY

LIFE IN JAPAN

Bookshelves for hire

I am obsessed with this concept. There are bookshops in Japan made up of just rentable shelves. Anybody can rent a shelf, display their choice of books and sell them. You can show off books you have written, or just your own selection of favourite reads. Every shelf is numbered, and the individual booksellers promote their shelves on social media etc. This is such a great way to bring awareness to your favourite books and unknown authors, while making some extra money. And because booksellers can also leave their contact information and other promotional materials, it’s a good way to maybe make new friends?

I wonder if this concept could somehow be used in conjunction with some sort of charity event? Get famous people to display their book choices on shelves, then sell the books? Not sure. But I wouldn’t mind organising something along these lines. (Regular readers will know that I secretly have a dream of owning a bookshop one day. If I ever do, I’m definitely doing something like this).

It could also be a twist on dating sites? Show me yours and I will show you mine, but in a safe-for-work way 🤣 . Or maybe a way to meet new friends? Bond over literature?

Also begs the question: what 15 books would I display? I guess I’d have to choose a theme first. Is it 15 books I want to re-read (A Confederacy of Dunces, Dune), or books I think everyone should consider reading (Midnight Library, Courage to be Disliked), or delightful books that I am grateful to have read (The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Harry Potter), or books that are great page turners (Wool, The Broken Earth Trilogy)? Maybe it’s just books that represent who I am…the type of collection that if someone were to take a quick glance, they’d have a good idea if I was “their sort of person”. I’m certainly not averse to being judged by my (at this point, digital) bookshelf, or to judging others by theirs. It would be a tough shelf to put together though!

Eat and run

Did you hear about the UK couple who would go to restaurants as a family of five, eat like pigs, and then leave without paying the bill? I mean, it’s bad enough to do it when you’re a drunk student, but its so much worse to actually teach your kids (they have 3 under the age of 16) how to run and hide! They did it at least five times, and ran up over £1,000 in unpaid bills.

Of course, this not being the 1980s, they got caught on camera, and then got flagged on Twitter. Well…the Twitter detectives got to work 🤣 and the family was very soon identified and found. And charged with theft. They admitted the crimes (also stole twice from a supermarket!) and will be sentenced at the end of the month.

The thing that gets me about this story is that they could have had the grace to at least be gentle on the restaurant. Instead, they ordered double puddings etc, and managed to have a £329 bill at the last restaurant they fleeced. That is entitled, audacious and actually quite unbelievable 🫢 . Those poor kids 😢 

*ADD TO CART

The silliest things can improve your life. I always meant to get a handheld vacuum, but never did. Then it was on 70% off on my local Amazon, and I picked it up and now I am dust-buster addict. I love it so much. If you don’t have something similar, trust me..get one.

MET GALA

It was the Meta Gala this past Monday. I don’t even know what that actually is, but I do enjoy the outlandish fashion. These were my favourites.

Thanks for reading!

That’s it for this week. (Want more? You can find past editions here). I hope you have a great weekend and upcoming week. Please keep sharing /forwarding to your friends/groups 😄 and let me know any feedback (you can just hit reply to this email, if you’re reading it in your inbox).

PS JUST FOR LAUGHS