Welcome

Hi ! If you’re reading this in April ‘24, it means you are part of my pilot team for the newsletter. Thank you! It’s going to be a bit “throwing spaghetti at the wall” kind of stuff for a while, as I find my voice and see what resonates with me (and you). So thanks for your patience. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here.

The idea is to write to an audience of “second chapter women” from my own experience of dealing with this phase of life. Ultimately I’ve come to realise we are not just defined by our maternal, marital or work status, but we put so much focus on those parts of our lives that when circumstances change (and they always do!), we find ourselves “lost”.

A sure way to be “lost” is to feel alone in experiences. But the more I talk to women, the more I realise we all struggle with the same things: mental loads, guilt, fear of missing out or falling behind, lack of time, little support and isolation. So I am here to talk about my life, in my voice, and hopefully help you give volume to yours.

Ideally, I would love for this to grow into a safe community where we can turn to each other for advice, support and accountability. But that’s long term! For now, thanks for reading the opening chapter of this journey. I hope we have fun along the way. ❣️ 

Life is …good?

I’m writing this on the backend of 💥 the most glorious 10 day break 💥 . It was so glorious, in fact, that I extended my “Sorry, I’m out of the office” email by a further week while I transitioned back slowly.

Anyway, I am more relaxed today than I have been in at least seven years, and that’s not even a hyperbole. If you’re thinking I must have gone away to the coast or somewhere exotic that doesn’t allow kids (or dogs)…nope. I didn’t budge from my house, but I did give myself permission to stop worrying about work for the first time in….ever?

And so I feel like life is taking a turn for the better, and I’ve noticed my friends say this is true for them too. It’s maybe a post-Covid settlement? I have been struggling a lot over the past few years. Spent a good deal of time trying to figure out what I want out of life, over and above the whole “motherhood” bit. (The “wife” part didn’t quite work out, alas). I have been taking small but conscious steps forward, and when I now look back at the life-journey I realise I have come really far.

I feel grounded, focussed and present. I still have lots of balls in the air and lots of problems, but fewer unfulfilled dreams. I live in gratitude and calm. It’s a good place to be, and I think it will get even better. It reminds me of this quote, which I love:

QUICK CATCH UP

The last couple of days, I reached out to about ten of you to invite you to this newsletter. Many of you I hadn’t spoken to in months, or even years 🤯 . And all of you got back to me so quickly, and we had such wonderful quick catch up convos. It really was heartwarming. I often feel alone (which is strange, because I really am not). And these kind of experiences just remind me that so much can be made better with even a brief whatsapp exchange.

💥 My suggestion to you: make a list of 5 friends you haven’t spoken to in six or more months, and just reach out to say “hi”. No empty promises to “get together soon”. Just a “hello, how are things?”. You’ll walk away with a smile on your face, five times.

DREAMING OF MY HOME

I’m currently in an interim housing/life situation, while I figure out where I want to spend the next five years. And I’m tired of it. I want much more permanence, and I am struggling to find it. To relieve the pressure, I collect inspiration images for my next home’s decor. On the list - near the very top - is a massive, built-in, wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling bookshelf. My sister is renovating her house, and walled up a window that created a massive space in her lounge, just begging for such a bookcase. When I suggested it to her, her answer was quite depressing: nobody buys real, paper books anymore, and nobody has the time to dust shelves.

Ha! Is she wrong! My bookshelf is going to be epic, as the kids say. Above image is an example of what I want although it is doubtful that my shelf will actually be white. Here’s a fun fact: I worked out that to fill this shelf with books, from scratch, would cost about $30,000 at full price, and that’s mostly paperbacks. Of course I have plenty of books already and will love scouring second hand bookshops (a dying breed!) for bargains, but the point still stands. (I’m not just going to have books on these shelves. There’s going to be old typewriters, art and decor items). Also a must have: an extremely comfortable seating arrangement that goes with the set up, so I can easily lose myself in a book.

(Another fun fact: this photo comes form an IG account, @fabriksen, that is dedicated purely to this shelf. I’m not even kidding. Posts of this one shelf for months on end, from different angles. It sounds crazy, but it works! 150k followers!)

EVERY POT FINDS A LID

I run my neighbourhood whatsapp group (it’s actually remarkably civilised!) and this (literal) exchange happened there recently. It made me smile, so I wanted to share 😃 

FROM THE BLOG

I actually have a (newly resurrected) blog (sneakersAndheels.com). And yes, I do update it. I know this will seem ridiculously late, but I recently wrote my 2024 goals and strategy on getting there. I’m slightly obsessed with “figuring life out”, and this pairs nicely with my End-of-Life goals post (which is not nearly as morbid as it sounds). I then wrote about Fatally Flawed friendships, which is an interesting framework to apply to not just friends but also romantic partners.

ELSEWHERE

Age is our superpower

I read an interview with a top ex-model, Josie Borain, who talked about how she feels women post 44yrs are invisible, especially to men. Paulina Parizkova, another ex-model, has said the same thing and I’ve seen the same sentiment shared by others.

Do you think this is true? I think probably, but I frame the issue differently. Ex-models’ currency was being stared at, and I am sure that diminishes with age (although I think that good looking older women are absolutely riveting) and so the ex-models are more lost without all that attention. Of course, some/many men prefer younger women (my ex left me for someone half his age, a 26yr old!) and when a 51yr old (me!) walks into a room she might naturally command less attention than she did when she was 25yrs old. But I think that’s good news! 

It’s a pleasure (and a relief) to not be objectified. And I don’t think it’s just our age, it’s also our attitude that scares many men. They don’t feel worthy of us, because they know we are unlikely to be buying the crap they are selling. Us second-chapter women tend to give off a “f*ck me with me at your own risk” attitude. I’m here for it. It separates the wheat from the chaff, and connects us with men who are not scared of wise, powerful women. It’s a perk of middle age, if you ask me.

BOOKMARKED

A collection of stuff I’m liking right now.

• Photography: If you have an iPhone, and you want to take better photos, then this video by Scott Kelby is for you. It’s 45 minutes, but by the end of it you’ll be a pro. Highly recommend.

• Youtube: I’m obsessed with renovation videos on Youtube. I know IG has some excellent reels as well, but it’s the longform that make these pop for me. I’m in awe of people who just roll up their sleeves and make magic. I recommend

  • Max and Occy. Max is an Australian renovating a cabin in the most idyllic, lush setting you can imagine. He has the kindest heart and the cuddliest dog (Occy), and posts a new video every Sunday.

  • Nikki Positano. Nikki has a house in Positano, and those views are her views every day. Well, until she also bought a house in Tuscany (someone is winning at life!) and is now renovating it. She also posts every Sunday, and is quite active on Instagram.

  • Jenna Phipps. She just bought a classic but completely dilapidated house, and is renovating together with her boyfriend. What’s enthralling about this one is that she is doing it all herself, literally. In South Africa (where I live) you would pay 10 men to come and do in a day what has taken her three months to do solo.

• Instagram: I’m loving the craziness and funkiness of 65yr old Shannon Nelson, aka @pinkynel. She loves the camera, and has really gotten good at entertaining us with her stories and observations.

• Fitness: I am on a mission to get fit, and I’m building up to a daily 45 minute walk. Walk the Talk, a Youtube channel actually helps me get there with a 30 min “walking class” that is deceptively easy to do!

READING NOOK

I am obsessed with The Courage to be Disliked. It’s the second time I am reading it, and I can see that I am much more ready to take it to heart this time round. The book is a dialogue between a student and a teacher of Adlerian psychology. It revolves around the premise that people can change, that we can decide to be happy right now, and that all our problems are interpersonal problems. Oh, and there is no such thing as “past trauma”. We choose how past events shape us. There is no “cause and effect”, there is only “cause, and our choice of how to react to it”.

This is one of those books where statements either seem so obvious that it’s easy to miss their impact, or so outrageous that you want to throw a riot. I think this is my most highlighted book ever and I am busy compiling my notes. I will share them here, and absolutely expect me to write volumes on ideas from the book.

Side note: I am determined to read at least two fiction books a month. I am starting with Lessons in Chemistry. If you have other good recommendations, send them my way!

MUSIC

I’m listening to Hope by Haerts. I discovered it when it played out the last scene of Good Grief, a beautiful movie from Dan Levy of Schitt’s Creek fame (it’s on Netflix). The song is beautiful and haunting, and I listen to it at least once a day. I am not sure yet if it makes me sad or if it uplifts me (weird how the distinction is so slim), but it definitely moves me and resonates with my soul.

Don't rush towards the finish line, you promised me
That we would hope...

~If you liked this…~

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Thanks for reading!