👟👠 Crossroads (#26)

Hi !  Welcome back. This week I am thinking (and writing) about crossroads, mountains, loos with a view, mothers, dates with friends, dates with lovers and Toko, my new four-legged bff. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here or by clicking the button below. - Eve D.❣️

WEEK IN REVIEW

🏔️ I went to the Soutpansberg mountains for the weekend, and it was a magical and transformative experience. I was very ambitious in my expectations: I had a loaded Kindle, lots of pen and paper, my book draft, downloaded podcasts. I did none of that. Instead, I walked, and talked and thought and then thought some more. There was an energy to the place that I have never experienced anywhere else, and I was given lots of space and time to just be by myself, in myself. I sorted a lot of crap out, let go of some things my heart was holding on to, and opened myself up to new experiences. Hopefully it all bodes well for me. I have high hopes. A friend took this photo of me walking, and it was featured in the leading South African daily publication as photo of the day!

☕️ More fun dinners and coffees. I’m so grateful for my friends, both women and men. Our chats over coffee, dinners, wine, WhatsApp and Zoom have inspired me to include a new section in the newsletter. See below.

📰 Remember how I told you last week that I am audaciously going to put myself out there? I did, and it paid off! If all goes well, I might have a regular column in a business publication.

🏉 South Africa is playing Argentina in rugby today. I am not really a rugby fan, but honestly this team is inspiring me, and I am a convert. I’m excited….if we win we collect some sort of championship trophy. I’ve actually made plans to watch the game with avid supporters, so that should add to the fun.

🥇 We got the best news ever. Micole got accepted into her first choice honours program for Math Stats/ Actuarial Science. They only take 5% of applicants (40 out of 800 applications) so I am extremely proud and happy for her. No time to celebrate though. She has 51 days till she graduates her current program, and about a gazillion exams to pass before then.

⚰️ Today is the 3rd anniversary of my mother’s death. On the one hand I feel as if it’s been 3 months, on the other hand I feel she’s been gone forever. Her death was unexpected and traumatic for our family, and we are still picking up pieces one way or another. My mother was very emotionally entangled in the US elections, so she would be having the time of her life now, following all the fiascos. She was also so extremely proud of her grandchildren (she had long given up on her kids 😂 ), and I know they would bring her so much joy if she was still here. (The perspective that unexpected death brings is depressing, to be honest. As my friend G would say…it’s all temporary bullshit. Better enjoy it while it lasts.) I am going to write a tribute to my mom (and dad) one day, but not today.

All in all, this has been a busy week. Micole and I were chatting that it’s actually the last 30 days that have been wild. So much has happened: I went to Kruger Park, I went to mountains, a friend lost her son, Micole got into honours program, my mom’s death anniversary, friends from US came to visit, we had a new “hangout” place open down the block, a possible new relationship for me plus all the usual daily grind. Mustn’t forget to breathe.

FULL DISCLOSURE 

CROSSROADS

I said goodbye to a relationship, recently. It wasn’t a conventional relationship, and I said goodbye more to the idea of it than anything else, but I am still incredibly sad about it. As my partner in this particular crime said…bad circumstances. And yes, of course, I do know that circumstances can change, but that would be a story for a completely different chapter of my life. For now, this is on pause.

On the plus side, I am entering into a new relationship with a spectacular man. Let me immediately say that the events of this paragraph did not influence the events of the previous one. Two unconnected events, separated by vastness of time. They just both affect the heart, so they both appear here. And, let me also say, that I was highly opposed to even mentioning this development of a new romance in the newsletter, because I honestly cannot imagine what good can come of it. But G - that is his name - made it clear he would at least like to make an appearance, every now and then. So here we are. Consider an appearance to have been made 😀.

A disclosure: this is by far the most challenging start to a relationship I have ever had, despite G’s awesomeness. Not due to anyone one party (well, maybe just a little bit). But mostly because I’m almost guaranteed to have my heart broken (or to break his, although this is doubtful). Here is the interesting part: I’m fine with that. I realised that every relationship I have been in (and most of them have been exceptionally good) ended in a heartbreak, even when my ex-partner and I remained close friends. Guess what? All relationships end in heartbreak. At worst, that heartbreak comes in the form of death. At best, it’s simply the imagined future that failed to materialise. What makes this relationship different for me is that it’s the first one in which I acknowledge the possibility of the heartbreak before it happens. I have good reasons, one of which is wisdom that comes with age. How long till this heartbreak? That’s like asking the length of a heartstring. And heartstrings can be very, very long indeed.

I’ll keep you (somewhat) posted. Wish me luck.

FREE THERAPY

NOPE, STILL NOT

I told you I want to get more involved in social media, but of course I haven’t yet. To support the fact that all social media “exposure” is pure BS, I had one of my tweets go relatively and randomly viral (I am lucky if my tweets are seen by 30 people, this one was seen by about 3,600 people). (Don’t worry about the context of this tweet…it’s work related. )

Better though, my I-have-a-slight-crush-on-him hero, Andrew Huberman liked one of my posts!

So, I’m clearly well on my way to being an influencer. I promise I won’t forget you little people when I get there.

DESIRE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Speaking of Andrew Huberman, this is a podcast that every woman, regardless of age or relationship status, needs to listen to. (Every man too, but that’s not our concern at present). Esther Perel is our modern version of Dr Ruth, and she is wise and delightful, and extremely knowledgable about relationships in the modern era.

I’m listening to this podcast for the second time today, and I am making notes. I especially appreciate the fact that she gives us vocabulary for phenomena that we know are true, but that we might find difficult to describe. For example: she distinguishes between cornerstone relationships that we had in our twenties, as we were building our identity and trying to find our place in the world. During this era, we effectively grew up with our partners. In contrast, capstone relationships happen in our older years, when we already have our identity (as does our partner). We know who we are. Our partner’s role is now different: they need to validate and appreciate us, not help develop us. Two different stages, two different types of partners.

In fact, she says, we all have three separate stages of relationships in our lives, sometimes with the same partner, sometimes not. You have your twenties (grow your identity), your thirties (grow your children, career etc) and your later years. At each stage you are a different person, and your partner must accept that or move on.

Esther is a big proponent of avoiding relationships in which we are merely “not dead”, and pursuing relationships in which we “are alive”. Sometimes that means changing partners, cities, circumstances. Scary, but real.

She also talks a lot about curiosity. We need to have the courage to let go of the stories of our past, and the way they define us. We need to trust our curiosity to help us figure out what a relationship could become. “Where could this go, if I allow this relationship to guide my identity a little bit?”. It’s challenging for wounded people to invite curiosity, but they should try.

Honestly, just give it a listen. Twice.

SOUTPANSBERG PHOTO ALBUM 

The “farm” (it’s really more of a mountain with land, not a farm) that I visited this past weekend is located in the northern part of South Africa, about 5 hours from Johannesburg. It’s beautiful, mostly due to its diverse type of landscapes. There is the African savannah, rainforests, mountain cliffs, steep climbs, gentle meanders and overgrown bush. It’s big and mostly unexplored. I was shown secret waterfalls, rocky pools, abandoned honeymoon suites overlooking views-to-die-for (they are begging for a reality make-over show 🤣 ) and was told stories of exploration and dangerous encounters. (There is, for example, the Three Snake Trail, named after the quantity of snakes encountered by a family while they were walking it).

When I told my kids I was going, and they asked me what I was going to do there, I suggested I’d “sit on a couch and read?”. They laughed….how could there be a couch at a mountain camp that requires some very serious off-road driving for access? But the joke was on them. There was a couch (two in fact!) and although I didn’t read on it, I did spend many an hour sitting under a thick blanket looking at the view above, drinking red wine and listening to the bushbuck bark nearby. (Fun fact: they really do bark, and they only bark at leopard that is close by. Draw your own conclusions).

The camp is basic, (and yet it lacks for nothing). This is the loo 🤣 . I’m not gonna lie…this loo is fine and dandy if it’s noon, but going there in the middle of the night (no lights at all in the camp) is one of the scariest things I’ve done in a looong time, even though I had an escort. There are snakes, leopards, scorpions and lots of other creatures. None of which I encountered in close proximity, because - clearly- my anxiety kept them away. On the plus side, the view as you pee is amazing 😀 

I’m clearly not a great photographer (yet), because this photo below doesn’t begin to capture the magic of the rainforest, the stream, the rocks, and the energy. But trust me, it was breathtaking.

The camp, with the mountain backdrop. I was supposed to climb that mountain, but I chickened out. A regret.

I made a friend for life at the farm, and his name is Toko ❤️. I was his favourite.

And this one, once again. I just love it. And can you now agree that Toko loves me?

Over coffee and text

New section! Things my friends and I chat about, while we are chatting. These are most likely not my experiences, but I find them nevertheless relevant. I’ll be making regular notes, and sharing more here each week.

🔺 ☕️ One thing we don’t talk enough about, and are thus unprepared when it happens, is that if our parents live to an old age, we will need to spend a lot of time, energy and money in looking after them. And that watching a parent decline in health can be painful and depressing. Often times, especially with dementia, we lose parents while they are still with us.

🔺 ☕️We often underestimate our children, and how much they can grow and adapt into an environment that makes us uncomfortable. We should stop controlling, and start trusting that we have taught them well to adapt and thrive.

 🔺 ☕️Where there is a dating app, there is a woman with “reverse image lookup” technology and sleuthing skills that would put Sherlock to shame. Men are powerless. (Also: please dear God…never put me in the position to be on a dating app ever again. Watching my friends navigate this is proper fear inducing)

🔺 ☕️ Family can often be the last thing we need when we are trying to redefine ourselves, move forward and escape current limitations. Family likes familiarity. It’s difficult for them to help you fly away.

🔺 ☕️ Most men do not have things worked out, they only pretend they do. They are just as confused by us as we are by them. This goes for husbands too. We should all give each other more grace, and less attitude.

🔺 ☕️ We must never forget that our children watch and learn how we date or conduct ourselves in a relationship/marriage. You want your kids to be good, kind, respectful, decent partners? Be one yourself.

FRIENDSHIP

MOVIE DATE NIGHT

We watched Karate Kid (original) and I absolutely loved it. This could easily be one of my favourite movies of all time. (Fun fact: I first watched this in a movie theatre, when I was a little girl. I went with a real-life boy, but only because our parents forced us to go so they could go out to dinner in peace. Nevertheless, I convinced myself that was a real date. I probably have some of those levels of delusion, still 😃 )

Next week is Cocktail (my choice).

Thanks for reading!

That’s it for this week. (Want more? You can find past editions here). I hope you have a great weekend and upcoming week. Please keep sharing /forwarding to your friends/groups 😄 . You can also email me privately by hitting reply on this email.

PS