Hi !  Welcome back. We are 7% of the year done! This week I am thinking (and writing) about relationship lists, death, penguins, good food and hearts on a wire. - Eve D.❣️

I’m going to warn you right up front, this newsletter is longer than usual and it’s heavily focussed on relationships. I found a great framework that I share with you, and then it kind of evolved into other thoughts. On the plus side, I’m going to try very hard to stay away from any mushy stuff around Valentine’s Day (not a fan), so there’s that.

Week in review…

🖥️ I was, once again, very productive. Until Thursday. Then I got tired of the week, and had to force myself to do any work. You win some, you lose some.

🥾 Laura and I showed up diligently on Saturday for a hike with a women’s club, only to realise that the hike was actually happening on Sunday. We weren’t too bothered, and did the hike anyway. It was gorgeous (due to the unprecedented rain we’ve been having) and just the right bit of strenuous. This is definitely the year of getting fit and fab (see below).

💎 This year I am taking more photos of myself. It's about time I got over the dread I feel when I see a camera. Also, I got some new necklaces this week, and I love love love (excuse the pun) the heart one that I am wearing in this photo. I saw it last year, didn’t buy it, and regretted it for months. Saw it again yesterday, and whipped out the credit card. My kids feel it’s a ridiculous purchase because they think I can only wear it on Valentine’s Day, but they clearly don’t know the unbounded joy I have when I surround myself with hearts. Manifestation!

📱 Update on my missing friend story that I mentioned last week. He is alive and well! His WhatsApp went a bit bonkers, and he wasn’t aware. (This is probably surprising to anyone outside of the USA. I use WhatsApp every day, all day. I could never not have it. But it’s really not as popular in the US as it is elsewhere. Weird, but true.)

🎒 Micole wants me to “tell the world” that she’s back at university. So now you know. That pile of papers in her hand are her notes for one subject for the first semester. Better her than me!

🐶 Lisa, on the other hand, is living her best (and rent-free) life, and is all smiles. (Fun story: Yes, she’s named after Mona Lisa (eons ago I took care of another Boston Terrier, (in Boston), named Mona so of course I had to name my dog Lisa) and yes, she smiles all the time.)

Free Therapy…

Cullinary delights 

G (once again!) took me out to both a fabulous and gorgeous restaurant. It came highly recommended, and lived up the hype. He really knows how to spoil a girl 😍.

Clockwise: We started with a caprese salad (think buffalo mozarella) and I had gorgonzola gnocchi (I love a good gnocchi dish and this one’s tastes were balanced perfectly) and G had the Beef Wellington. It was just the right amount of everything. G paired all this with the perfect wine, but I have no idea what it was, so can’t share or recommend. Last photo in the grid is a quick snack he whipped up at home: baguette, tomatoes, cheese, basil and balsamic vinegar/olive oil. Surprisingly filling and unsurprisingly delicious!

As for me…I didn’t do anything exciting in the kitchen this week, but I did get myself an apron which I am wearing regularly. I consider it a positive sign of my impending culinary brilliance.

The thing with food though, is that it’s not just about what I do eat, but also about what I don’t eat. This year, as I have mentioned, is the year of getting fit and healthy. I was walking behind a woman at my green grocer this past week, and she was shuffling along, tired with life. She acted old, but I realised she was probably not more than 10 years older than me. She had made decisions in the past two or three decades that defined the type of life she has today. And it’s sad to see. I bet you if she stopped to think about, she has regrets. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be bubbly and vivacious! 

My marker for this is body fat. I have a lot. I tried to measure it using G’s high-tech scale, but it was clearly broken because it delivered a very high number (I think it was 38%?). (All appliances are working against me. My washing machine seems to shrink my clothes?). But seriously…I am going to track my body fat, and get it to the 20-25% range. Also going to track cm. I am not looking for fast results, but I will put in the effort.

(It’s much easier to follow a rule 100% than 95%, but that binary commitment doesn’t work for me. So it’s more 90/10…stay on the healthy side as much as I can, but have desert, wine and chocolate on some days, guilt free.)

15 signs of successful couples

I came across this gem of a list on Twitter. It was posted by a relationship counsellor, and is a summary of what she sees as common traits in successful relationships. I love this list (so do 14 million other people, because it went kind of viral). Let’s first go through it, then we discuss! (The list and descriptions are hers, not mine. I just edited for brevity.) 

1 ❤️ Resounding, frequent appreciation of each other. Successful couples are loud about how much they appreciate each other, and always really mean the “Thank you” they exchange. 

2❤️ Habitual Affectionate Gestures. Wholesome, non-sexual contact. Hand holding, hugs, cuddling, forehead kisses. Successful couples are always touching. 

3❤️ Respect and admiration for one another.  They see one another as people who are worthy of regard and honor and they act accordingly. They bring praise and pride to their partners. 

4❤️ Healthy boundaries. They set, communicate and honour boundaries. Boundaries don’t create separation. Rather, they preserve one another’s individuality and nurture safe spaces.

5❤️ Fighting clean. They neither air unclean laundry nor intentionally construct their words and actions to strike the other person where it would hurt the most. They’ve mastered the art of healthy conflict resolution and as such, every misunderstanding brings them closer together.

6❤️ Acknowledgment of each other’s autonomy. They embrace the oneness of being in a relationship without necessarily seeing the other person as a property they own.

7❤️ Effective communication. They talk and they listen. They hold safe spaces for difficult conversations.  

8❤️ Genuine friendship. They really like each other. If they weren’t in love, they’d still be friends.  

9❤️ Endless courtship. They never stop dating. They continue to court and dazzle one another with planned events, surprise gifts, sweet words, thoughtful gestures, getaway trips, and date nights. 

10❤️ Accountability and consideration. They are accountable to each other. They take their partners into consideration, and are very careful with each other’s feelings. 

11❤️ Ever improving sex life. They don’t abandon their sex lives to tumble down the pit of no return. They review occasionally and honestly, set dates, and constantly try to get better at pleasing one another. 

12❤️ Balance between agreement and healthy compromise. They do not always agree. But, they’re mostly of one mind when it comes to the things that truly matter, and when they aren’t able to meet on the same page, they try to reach a point of healthy compromise that’d mostly work for both parties.

13❤️ Proper apologies. Proper voicing of their remorse. No ego, or beating around the bush. When they promise to do better, they actually make efforts to.

14❤️ Earnest forgiveness. They do not hold on to grudges that eventually devolve to resentment. They forgive often and honestly, hardly bringing up an issue once it’s been entirely resolved. (This is only for acts that warrant forgiveness, obviously). 

15❤️ Mutual yielding. It’s not always one person having to compromise, or getting to have their way. And this applies to efforts as well. 

Thoughts: PART I

I have some thoughts: 

• I think that relationships, in general, eventually degrade more than upgrade. So it’s common to score high on this list in the beginning, and then lose your way. For proof of this, see the divorce rate. The secret (kind of built into the list, actually) is to consciously keep working at the relationship, assessing it, and fixing where appropriate. 

• Accordingly, scoring high on the list is not a guarantee of longterm success, even if you do put in the work. The list advocates for the support and advocacy of a partner’s growth. If that growth diverges you from the other person, so be it. #Life. But… even if the relationship fails, if the list is followed and honoured, both parties should be stronger at the end of the relationship than they were at the beginning. (See below for more on this). 

• If you score low on the list, stop and figure things out. Either try to fix, or acknowledge, learn and cut your losses. I have assessed my prior relationships against this list (with hindsight, obviously), and only one of them passes muster. All the others had red flags that I conveniently ignored for too long, and many of those flags were present at the start and did not improve with time. (I waved some of those flags, I’m not just blaming my ex-partners). 

I really want to know how you score on the list, and whether you think your relationship has improved with time. Hit reply on this email and let me know. And do you think anything should be added to the list? I want to say that #16 could be “do the work”, but I guess #1-#15 kind of already imply that you have to. (For reference, and I’d need to discuss/confirm this with G, but I think we score a perfect 15/15. For now!).

Thoughts: Part II

Heard some good advice this week: partners should leave each other stronger than they found each other.

It’s a great goal. 

Thoughts: Part III

And lastly, I want to talk about relationships with the framework of memento mori. If you’re not familiar, momento mori is a stoic concept that encourages you to recognise and remember the fact that you could die at any moment. It invites reflection and reminds us of how fleeting life is. The lesson: live now, savour the time you do have, and make it count. 

I apply this concept not just to myself, but also to my loved ones… and to my relationship. For example, I imagine - almost daily - my relationship with G ending. This is not to induce drama or sadness (although I definitely get sad thinking about it), but to remind myself to enjoy the relationship while it lasts, and to preserve autonomy while injecting reality into the game.

A new relationship can grow into a lifelong love affair, or it can implode under its own pressure. I like to be prepared for either outcome. I think this probably stems from being blindsided before, and is supported by conversations with G who agrees with (and maybe even advocates for) this somewhat unconventional approach. Neither one of us is prepared to say, at this point, that we are in this for the long haul, although we have both said that we are for sure going to give it our best shot.

My point is: I consider this memento mori attitude to be a healthy approach to a relationship (although admittedly, my friends and family think it’s very weird). You might think it ironic that I am least optimistic about what is probably one of my healthiest relationships, but I don’t look at it as a lack of optimism at all. The opposite, in fact! I think it’s because I am not taking it for granted, thinking it will be here forever, that I am (we are) putting in the work to make it last. Let’s see. 

Which brings me back full circle to the 15 point list, above. Applying a memento mori approach to a relationship forces you to assess how you feel about its potential end. If you’re ok with it ending…maybe it’s time to stop and think about next steps. But if you’re not okay, and you want to ensure the relationship lasts, then spend time making sure you live up to the list. 

And lastly, as the author of the list said: a successful relationship is not measured by longevity, but by substance. Put in the work, reap the rewards

Very small, broken hearts

It’s not only humans that have loving relationships. The lighter penguin in the photo below is an elderly female whose partner died this year. The darker one is a younger male who lost his partner two years ago. They meet every night to comfort each other, while watching the lights of Melbourne. 😢 

Signs of the times

Speaking of which…kids and I were discussing astrology signs. Micole asked Zac to guess which sign I am, and he was clueless.

Micole: “It starts with a P.”
Zac: “is it Penguin?”

(No, Zac, no. I’m a Pisces!).

10 quickies 

✅ Speaking of star signs. There’s an app, co-star, that promises you personalised astrology forecasts. “Our powerful natural-language engine uses NASA data, coupled with the methods of professional astrologers, to algorithmically generate insights about who you are and how you relate to others.” I think they’re joking? They certainly seem to have a sense of humour. My friend Laura put me onto the app, and also sent me this daily update she got from them:

✅ I found a new online game, One Up. It’s a bit like Sudoku, but quicker and probably funner. Give it a go.

✅ I might be the last person to have learnt this trick, but if you ever hear a song playing and want to know what it is, or want to add it to your playlist, Google has got your back. From the search bar, click on the microphone, and just ask Google to identify the song. Shazaam, but not. (h/t G)

✅ Want a family mantra? I heard of a family that have adopted a simple saying as their anthem: “Don’t freak out”. They follow their own instruction, and try to consciously stay calm in all situations. I like it.

✅ Amanda writes about how our “digital watercooler” has disappeared, and instead “it now feels like our community is now scattered across four different social networks while we all keep trying to find the billionaire we hate least so that we can use their social platform instead”. Perfectly said.

✅ Also, a good piece of advice for guys (pass it on):

✅ Smart stuff: “Eventually you’ll realize that it’s better to be disliked for who you are than liked for who you are not. Then everything will change.” @markmason

✅ Learning to savour is one of life’s biggest hacks :

 ✅ I don’t know why I love this, or where it’s form, but this is so good.

✅ More good advice: Don’t yuck other people’s yums. If you don’t like something someone else loves, keep that opinion to yourself.

I’ve been reading…

I am going to read more fiction this year. (Have I said this before?). The best way to read more fiction is to always be reading fiction. I have added 5 books to my Kindle, and as soon as I finish (or give up on) one, I will start another. This week, it’s The Lost Bookshop. So far, it seems cute if a little bit slow. But maybe that’s just because I am reading it slowly, late at night, just before exhaustion takes over. It’s unfortunate that most books put me sleep. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. I used to be able to read into the very late hours, sometimes even early morning hours, but those days are long gone. Anyway, I will report back on the book once I am done.

I’ve been watching…

Movie of the week was Juror 2. Here is the non-spoiler premise (I consider anything revealed in the first 10 minutes of the movie to be non-spoiler material). A guy, Justin, gets chosen for jury duty for a trial of a man, Gabriel, who is charged with murdering his girlfriend. In a somewhat still unbelievable coincidence, Justin realises that Gabriel did not murder his girlfriend, because….wait for it…..it was actually Justin who (unknowingly) hit her with his car during a storm, and drove off thinking he had simply narrowly escaped a collision with a deer.

So now Justin has a dilemma: if he helps convict the man on trial, he has the safety of never being charged himself for the crime. But if he does the right thing, the case will be re-opened etc etc, and he is at risk of spending life in jail. And so the story unfolds. Toni Colette stars as the Prosecutor. The movie could have been brilliant, but it has plot holes which make it a somewhat frustrating watch. If you’re looking to kill (excuse the pun) a Saturday afternoon, this is an okay option.

No clue what I’m choosing for next week yet, but it’s definitely going to be one of the newly announced Oscar contenders.

Thanks for reading!

Want more? You can find past editions here.

Want to chat? You can email me privately by hitting reply on this email. I read and reply to all :-)

PS