👟👠 Written in the stars (#27)

Hi !  Welcome back. Have you felt the seasons change yet? It’s definitely almost wind-down time. This week I am thinking (and writing) about good food, retirement, split decisions, pilates, star signs and stupid men who have affairs. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here or by clicking the button below. - Eve D.❣️

WEEK IN REVIEW

🇮🇳 I had Indian food…for the first time ever. Apparently, this is a shocking track record 🤣 . The problem was that I am scared of spicy food, and I never really had anyone in my life who could show me the Indian ropes. That changed last weekend, and I can confirm: Indian food is amazing, and I cannot wait to discover its depth.

🍥 Not done with the food! I was also invited to a home-cooked paella dinner with a great and diverse small crowd of very cool people. Good people make all the difference. This dinner was pivotal, actually, and I am still trying to process it. It fitted in perfectly with this week’s newsletter themes (the bulk of which I wrote prior to the dinner, and then edited post-dinner). Strange how that works. I don’t believe in coincidences.

🦘 Zac’s cousins came over from Australia for a visit, and it’s amazing to see the kids just fall into family bonds, even though they haven’t seen each other in 5 years (other than on Zoom). Lots of excitement all around.

🏉 Watched the Rugby, and we won. I could certainly get used to this.

🤳 Took Instagram off my phone, and haven’t missed it one bit. I’m not totally cured, but I think I have bought myself at least 2-3 hours per week, and some mental health too.

A/B TESTS

Heads you win, Tails I lose

Quite some time ago, in a life that now barely seems as if it was my own, a judge told me that, in a courtroom, it’s often pretty much a coin toss as to which side will prevail. I was dumbfounded by this. Isn’t the law clear as to who is right and who is wrong? But he explained it well: if both sides have competent and ethical lawyers, then the only way the lawyer will allow a matter to go to court is if they believe they have a good chance of winning. The other side feels the same. Maybe the odds are not always 50/50, but they are pretty close.

Carrying this over to everyday life, this is analogous to having to make a decision between doing one thing (A) or doing something else (B). Clearly, both options have merits, otherwise they wouldn’t be an option. In other words, neither option is so bad that it should immediately be discarded (presumably such options did exist, and were duly discarded already). So what to do when you can’t decide? “Rather than waste your time stressed over making the right decision, make the decision right”

You only have one life. You can’t do both A and B, at least not at the same time. You will always have opportunity for regret. Studies show we illogically regret options not taken, assuming they would actually have been the better choice, but that is misguided: you have no knowledge of what life would/could be like if you had made different choices. Your life could have ended up much worse. So: no room for regret.

In which case, when you are struggling between Option A and Option B… toss that coin if necessary, and just make a decision. Then place your focus and energy on the actions necessary to ensure the decision works, and don’t allow regret to creep in and overwhelm you.

LA VIDA LOCA

Spending the kids’ inheritance

I’m thinking a lot about retirement. And by retirement, I mean a “life without kids in the house”, not a “life without work”. In theory, I am about 4-5 years away from that (I am assuming Zac will go off to college, somewhere far away). So what does that look like for me? It starts with me choosing where and how I want to live.

Last weekend, G and I were went to rugby/braai (barbecue) at his friends’ house, and the moment I walked into their house, I loved it. This is very rare for me: I at best dislike most houses (including my current one), and often I just straight out hate them. But I could see myself living in this particular house, no problem. I think it had something to do with the overall energy of the place. This couple are in their 50s, childless and clearly also love their home. But the more I thought about it, the more it occurred to me that this is a very big house for just two people. I would be scared it could make me feel …lost? alone?

Coincidentally, I also found my ideal house, for retirement or otherwise. It (literally) looks like this:

I absolutely, 100% could see myself living/retiring here, or in a place like it. I would be so content. But… who am I living with? As I look at this house today, I envision dinner parties, and kids bringing friends over, and dogs running around and men in their man cave. But what happens when the kids are no longer here, friends have emigrated or moved onto their own pastures and the man has run off with a 25yr old? (That last one is an inside joke 🤣 ). In this fantasy of mine the house is shared, in some way, with my partner…but is that enough to keep us content in a house like this?

This reminds me of one of my favourite shows, Brothers and Sisters with Calista Flockhart and Sally Field. One of the best characters in this show was the house. It was glorious. I wanted that life! The widowed mother lived there alone, but she had five kids, who did or did not have partners, and there were grandkids and lovers moving in and out throughout all the seasons. That house was busy and alive. The reality is that my house won’t be busy. Or maybe it will be? Who knows?

I have other retirement dilemmas, too. I’d like to be able to just pack my bags and go live in New York City for 3 months if I felt like it, (this would be September-November. Never go to NYC in the summer, the heat and humidity is unbearable and there is no one there anyway). But…I also want another dog. Specifically, a German Shepherd (his name will be Archer). What happens to Archer while I am in NYC for three months, in six years time?

All these thoughts and riddles were running through my head Thursday/Friday this week, and then came the paella dinner (mentioned above). 6 adults, all in the kids-leaving-house phase of life. All had wrestled with the dog dilemma (“new dog, new 12-15yr commitment), all have thought through the where do we live? dilemma, all have the what now? questions. It was eye opening, and like I said, I am still trying to process. The fact is that you always want to be where your friends are (so you can host paella dinners!), but your friends are mobile and dispersed throughout the world (2 of the 6 paella guests actually live in Cape Town). And I also definitely confirmed to myself that I don’t want to live alone, which is a major shift for me.

Maybe the solution is a small, intimate retirement house base in a beautiful location that always feels like home, and then a good passport and money in the bank. This goes back to “make a decision, and then make it work” discussed above. So I am thinking about that now. And in the meantime, I still have 4-5yrs in my current circumstance, so my actual decision is to stop daydreaming about all of the above, and make these years count.

Shhhhhh……

Secrets lie in the stars

It is safe to say that anyone who knows me would describe me as logical and analytical, and those are also the characteristics of the men I date. Which is why I have kept this one secret away from all of them (but from none of my girl friends): I love reading my star sign every day, and I often set my day expectation by what it says.

Does this make sense? No. Am I hooked? Yes. Do I suffer from confirmation bias? Sorry, can’t hear you. (As a way of explanation: I’m a Pisces. If you know, you know.)

If you are rolling your eyes at me, or rolling on the floor from laughter, let me take you through the last couple of days of my horoscope. You will soon be a convert, I am sure.

Thursday (yesterday)

I did, indeed, formulate a perfect plan for my next 18 months yesterday. It felt good, and I shared it with various people who agreed (this is both proof and validation!).

Today:

Long-term plans! This was the day of the paella dinner which was all about long term plans (see above). Coincidence? I think not! Now, I am fully aware that those of you who are skeptics will argue that “working towards goals will lead to results” is very generic and obvious, but once again a) I can’t hear you and b) you are not going to ruin this for me.

Tomorrow:

Now, I will admit, this one had me puzzled. I met this perfect-fit person for lunch Friday, not Saturday. So this seemed a bit off. I was willing to dismiss it as a glitch in the Universe, until I remembered that I am meeting my neighbour Nadia for coffee on Saturday (As soon as I send post on this newsletter, in fact). I have met her briefly once before, and I think there was an instant connection. We could be very, very good friends. And the Universe clearly knows more than me on this topic, so who am I to argue?

Bonus: The Astrology.com site also has a monthly horoscope, which is always a fun read. Thank me later.

LIFE WISDOM

SUMMER BODY

If you want to preserve your healthspan, check out this free Pilates class on YouTube. It has 12 million views, and is a 30 minute session. I am doing this daily this coming week. My muscles need stretching. Plus, I went to buy sun dresses this week and saw my body in the fitting room lights (designed by the devil, surely??) so now I am l living in slight horror of what I have done to myself. Yikes.

HEARD OVER COFFEE AND ZOOM

❓️ I heard this line in the Esther Perel podcast I told you about last week, and I have been using it on all my friends whenever they complain about their partner, work, kids, schedule or other friends: “What have you done this week to make things better?”. It pretty much stops everyone in their tracks, because we quickly realise that we tend to complain, but not repair.

🧱 “Don’t build what you are trying to run away from”. Specifically, we were discussing how people build holiday homes to emulate the type of housing found in cities (this is very much a South African thing, where we are inundated by Tuscan style homes). But I think it applies to life in general…how often do we figuratively build the very things we are trying to escape?

🪩 Avoid shiny things? Things that distract you from your goal. These could be side projects, side love interests, even daydreams. One theory (not mine) is that you should focus on one thing only, and pursue with a fury. I prefer to diversify my efforts (increase the area of possible success?), but I can’t recommend that approach in good conscience because I’m stretched too thin, and nothing gets the attention it deserves.

💔 I have now recently heard about three separations due to men having affairs, which they deny with every breath, until confronted with evidence. I can’t say this is a growing trend, because I am sure it has been around forever, but …my god, the patterns are so similar. My bff Esther Perel will tell you that men (or women) who have affairs are doing so to prove themselves that they have an identity outside of the marriage. Unfortunately, this often leaves them with no marriage at all. Separations, especially when there are kids involved make me sad. Men can be so stupid. If you have a good thing, thank the stars (see what I did there?) and appreciate your circumstance.

📣 Heard over and over this week: “Why does it have to all be so hard?”

MOVIES AND SHOWS

I watched Cocktail this last week. I could have sworn I loved this movie back in 1988 when it came out, but let me warn you: it did not age well. My friend thought it was the worst movie we have ever watched, and I think we have (literally) watched 200+ by now. (He’s wrong, btw. The worst movie we ever watched was Legally Blonde 2 )

In better film news, have you watched Nobody Wants This? I think it’s safe to say that if you are in the mood to fall in love with a character, this is a good option. I am only on episode 1, but the whole of Internet seems to have fallen at Adam Brody’s feet, so I bet I’m not far behind.

Thanks for reading!

That’s it for this week. (Want more? You can find past editions here). I hope you have a great weekend and upcoming week. Please keep sharing /forwarding to your friends/groups 😄 . You can also email me privately by hitting reply on this email.

PS