👟👠 Relationships (#11)

Hi !  Welcome back. This week I am thinking (and writing) about relationships with phones, relationships with men and relationships with drugs. Also with quite a bit of soccer! If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here or by clicking the button below. - Eve D.❣️

WEEK IN REVIEW

📱 My phone died a final, solid death. 😢 This phone and I have have had quite a history...I'm pretty sure it was legitimately one of the oldest iPhones in circuit. It was a 6 Plus, which many have said was the best phone Apple made. And it served me so well! While everyone around me upgraded all the way up to iPhone 15 (and spent thousands and thousands doing so!), I stuck with my trusted little brick that did everything a phone is supposed to do, and did it perfectly. (Funny story: you can evaluate your phone’s trade in value on the Apple site, and my working iPhone 6 Plus was worth a grand total of….$5 😀 #truestory).

Then, this week Apple announced its Apple Intelligence which will mostly run exclusively on new phones moving forward, and I knew that the time had finally come for the 6 and me to part ways. I was sad! And then, as if it read my thoughts and felt betrayed, my phone just went to sleep, quietly, all on its own and never woke up. I miss it! Now I have to wait until September for the new Apple phones to be released, so I am working on a back up Android and I'll be honest...it too does what a phone is supposed to do 🤷‍♀️ . I'll probably be cursing when I hand over the $$$ for the new iPhone 16, but such is life.

Also, the unexpected phone demise meant that I lost most of the things I save in my camera roll for this newsletter, so this will be a brief one! Sorry.

FREE THERAPY

FAMILY TIME

Counting Goals

⚽️ The Eurocup has started, which either means something to you or it does not. 🤣 . For my family, it's a Big Thing. We sit in front of the TV and pretend to watch the entire soccer tournament, although to be honest we are quite distracted with our diversions (last World Cup I knitted a scarf), and then we get very excited (or not) whenever there is a goal.

We have an extended family competition to predict the correct score for all the games, using a global app (Superbru) to track the accuracy of our predictions. Each of us predicts the score of the upcoming game, and if we’re correct (or close) we accumulate points. At the end of the tournament, person with most points in the family wins.

We started playing it in the last World Cup, and then lo and behold...Zac was told that he was in the top 5% predictors in the world. I even forked over some money for a certificate and everything, lol.

Anyway, for last night’s opening game (Germany vs Scotland) I predicted 4-1 to Germany and that was the score until 20 seconds before the final whistle, when the Germans had the audacity to score again. So my “perfect score” 3 points went down to 1.5, and Zac was happier than the Germans because he hates to lose and now has a rep to protect 🤣 . Either way, I’m leading the pack. 50 more games to go 📺️ 

VIRTUAL PARK WALKS

I think this is such a wonderful concept. This One Minute website (https://oneminutepark.tv/ ) has a continuous stream of 60 second videos of parks from around the world. Just visit the site, and you start watching a real-life scene from a park. At the end of the 60 second timer, you’ll magically be transported to possibly the opposite end of the world to visit another park for 60 seconds.

Sometimes the videos are full of people and activities, other times it’s just you and nature. Trust me, it's addictive. You get to spend 60 seconds watching everyday people enjoy life, and you never know where in the world the next shot is going to be. It's so simple, but so fun.

The best part is you quickly realise that no matter where in the world people are, we are actually all so similar. We all go to a park to play impromptu soccer, or lay down on a blanket to read a good book, or just stroll. It's humbling, in a way.

BOOKS AND TALKS

My book of the week is Mating in Captivity. It's by Esther Perel, the Belgian sex therapist with the most divine accent and personality. She is a legend. Her book has been on my radar for a while, and when I stumbled on a talk she gave at SxSW last year, I was reminded to read it (fun fact: I too have spoken at SxSW! I was the first South African to do so! Story for another day).

Let's discuss the talk first. Esther talked about the other AI...Artficial Intimacy. She opened by saying that a man had taken all her podcasts, and had fed the transcripts and the voice to AI tools and made a "Fake Esther" that he used as a personal therapist. This man reported that he got incredible benefit from “Fake Esther”, and that having continuous and free access to Esther’s wisdom, but in a personalised 1-on-1 setup had improved his state of mind. Understandably, this is worrying to Real Esther and most other therapists. Studies show that in artificial mental telehealth scenarios, people feel as satisfied as if they were seeing a real therapist, but quantitatively the results are not nearly as good.

The talk isn't about that though...it's more about how we think we are connected to people because of the fake sense of connectivity that social media and our devices create for us. We mask modern loneliness as modern connectivity. As she says, we “can have a thousand virtual friends but no one to ask to feed our cat”. Artificial intimacy revolves around situations where we are physically with someone, but we are not actually present. Our interaction is full of disrupted connections, which gives rise to intimacy avoidance.

She also said that every choice we make carries grief for the option we did not choose, and I feel that books could be written on that subject!

Now let's talk about the book, Mating in Captivity. I'm going to make it really simple for you: if you are in any state of relationship (single, dating, married) you have to read the book. Trust me. The book invites you to explore “the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire”, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

Basically, it asks and answers the question: can you desire something you already have? Spoiler: No. So you need to work at it. End of story. And this book explains to you why doing the work is a good idea, how to get it right and most importantly shows you that it’s completely natural to not be swinging from chandeliers throughout any union. Must read.

PSYCHADELICS

I had lunch/dinner with a friend this past week (I say lunch and dinner because we started at 3pm but only left at 8pm 🤣 ) and we discussed so many things (obviously) but one of the most fascinating to me was his viewpoint on psilocybin (otherwise known as magic mushrooms).

My stance on drugs, psychedelics etc is a clear cut "not for me, thanks", but honestly...the more we talked the more intrigued I became. It's non-addictive (I was surprised) and sounds like a literally mind blowing experience. I am not lining up to participate (yet), but I am researching! I'm about a quarter of the way through Huberman's episode on it.

One reason that it is so fascinating to me is that, apparently, many people who have taken psilocybin have reported hallucinating being medically examined by "beings". As in, lying on a table, having blood tested, etc etc. So, aside from all the "wtf?" questions that raises, it also raises the question of how can different people hallucinate this same, very specific thing?? I need answers. 😀 Send me your insights or experiences if you have any (just hit reply to this post, or [email protected]).

TO WATCH

I watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel this week - a charming, funny movie with an amazing cast. If you want a good-feel way to spend a couple of hours, I highly recommend it. The full season 3 of Bridgerton is also now out, so at some point, between all the soccer (and work) I will watch that.

FEEDBACK

I listened to a talk by Adam Grant recently, and want to share what he said about feedback, because I think it’s a helpful framework for self-improvement.

First of all, when you ask for feedback about something (a piece of writing, a speech, a presentation), ask as many people as possible, not just 1 or 2. He suggests at least 8-10. Then, realise that with regular feedback you will have critics and cheerleaders - those who criticise your worst self and those who cheer for your best self. Neither is particularly useful.

Rather, instead of asking for feedback, ask for advice. Grant gives an example of how after he does a talk, instead of asking people how it went (“Oh, it was great!”) he asks them how it could be better next time (“I thought you should include more examples, I didn't quite understand the concept”).

The point of feedback is not to shame your past self but to educate your future self. 💪 

LAUGH OUT LOUD

Thanks for reading!

That’s it for this week. (Want more? You can find past editions here). I hope you have a great weekend and upcoming week. Please keep sharing /forwarding to your friends/groups 😄 and let me know any feedback (you can just hit reply to this email, if you’re reading it in your inbox).

PS