Hi !  The weather has shifted, and I’m wearing dresses again. Summer loading. This week I am thinking and writing about red flags, hell no moments, craft challenges, soccer and loopy-head-ness - Eve D.❣️

Week in review…

✋ I got active on LinkedIn. It was never a big platform for me, but it is the platform where I personally know a lot of my connections, so it seems more authentic and friendly to post there. My plan is to post daily for 30 days, more or less, and see how I feel at the end. So far so good, and it’s fun to rekindle old friendships and connections. Also, it gives me an outlet for my daily nonsense, which is a bonus for me. If you’re active there, come connect. 

⌨️ I’ve been busy at work, which at this time of the year means nose deep in little, tiny print of very manipulative and duplicitous documents, which is brain numbing. As a result, I’m making lots of silly mistakes. Examples: I added G’s email address ([email protected]) to my business newsletter list, saw the email bounced, went to check the email address, verified, tried again a week later… same thing. Turns out I think I have been spelling G’s surname wrong for 12 months 😂 . Then, I sent an important message to a guy on LinkedIn, and he ignored me, which I thought was a) rude and b) problematic. A week later, I realised I sent message to the wrong person. So now there are two men who think I’m nuts. Three, if you count G (which you probably should).  It’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me. 

🎒 Micole had her last day of school ever!! I survived!! 🥳 Send champagne 🍾 One child down, one to go. Zac also had his last day of school (of his current grade). I’m now probably going to task him with figuring out #AI agentic workflows for the next couple of months, because I honestly don’t know where the world is going and it can’t hurt. Plus, conventional school clearly bores Zac, and sends him into kukulala land. See our Whatspp exchange as an example of our daily interactions:

🎄 I tasked the kids with figuring out how we can make use of our community (my neighbourhood WhatsApp group which I administer with whip in hand) and (possibly) our Cricut to make R1,000 each before Christmas. They had 1 hour to come up with ideas, and I kid you not but did Zac not use his hour to create a full 10 slide presentation to motivate his idea (which Micole and I immediately shut down as “ridiculous”, but then my friend Laura - who has a lot of experience with Cricut and crafts - told Micole and me that we were being ridiculous and Zac’s idea was brilliant, and then my sister confirmed it.) Hmmm. We’re having a family ExCo this evening, and I will keep you posted, but so far the kids are excited. It’s a fun, frivolous little challenge (for which I actually don’t have time, but such is life). Anyway, game on kids!

😴 I participated in a 30 minute “Exhale” session on Friday to calm my frenzy self (for evidence that I need this, see all of above). The idea is that a small group of people from around the world get together and, after a brief intro, spend 30 minute in silence while on a Zoom call. The hope is that people will close eyes and meditate, but you can do whatever you want to do. I tried, I really did. Everyone else was in a trance. Me? I was responding to emails and thinking about my newsletters. Apparently the theme of the session was curiosity, and at the end of the session people had deep comments to make like “I saw myself walking into a forest, curious to see if I’d ever come out” and all I was curious about was how I’d finish all my work before 5pm. We try again next week! 

⚰️ I was devastated to hear that Diane Keaton passed away. I absolutely loved her, and she represented everything that I aspire to be in mid-age. (Yes, I want to wear hats all the time too). She seemed immortal, bubbly and youthful. I was shocked to hear she was 79…I consider that both old but also years away from a timely passing. At times like this I always work out how many years I have left if I too were to die at 79. And it’s….27yrs!! That’s A LOT of years. I haven’t even been a mother for that long! There’s still So Much Life To Live!!! 🥳 

Please watch this! It’s so funny. I was on the floor. “People think I’m crazy, but they’re wrong” 🤣 . Plus…she shows you how you can drink 8 glasses of red wine and not get…alcohol poisoning. 🤣 And the “member of the mile high club” story killed me ... 🤣🤣🤣

Food for thought:

{Long Read} Red Flags, and other stories

I have been thinking about the concept of red flags for a while now. 

I remember reading a post from a woman who told the story of how, once, when she was craving a good salad she asked her husband to stop by the grocery shop to get some ingredients for her, and he came home with a head of lettuce. She told this story to a friend, who immediately advised her to consider leaving him, because he “clearly has no consideration for your needs”. The woman told the story to point out that we are taking our “red flag” concept too fucking far. 

She’s right. Not everything is a red flag. Some things are just quirks, or annoyances. You recognise them for what they are, accept them with compassion, laugh about them if it helps, and then just live with them. There are a myriad of reasons why that man bought only a head of lettuce: he could be overwhelmed by grocery stores, maybe he thought the other ingredients were in the fridge already, maybe he was having a bad day.

There’s also the other side of the spectrum, the “hell, no” stuff. These are the actions that leave no room in your mind that it’s time to get out, and then you do it. No “compassion”, or second guessing yourself, or making excuses for others’ behaviour. Just you looking out for you. I was talking about this with a friend and she told me about a past relationship that was full of red flags that she tolerated, but when he hit her once, she left the same day and never looked back.  A sure “hell, no” moment.

And then, right in the middle, sit the red flags. When I think of all my (romantic, work, friendships) relationships that have gone south, by the end there was always a collection of niggling doubt and red flags that I ignored for seemingly too long. That’s the problem with red flags: we collect them, and believe that just because we have identified them that our work is done. But no, the work is just beginning, and we are the ones who have to do it.

I once dated a guy who always checked out the younger, prettier women in the room, in a near-creepy cringy sort of way. It was a massive red flag, which I shoved under the carpet. You can imagine how that relationship ended. But that was on me. The signs were there, I just chose to ignore them. Earlier this year, I dissolved a very tight friendship. The pile of red flags was high. I questioned that pile every day. I asked myself why I stayed. I reasoned with myself, set (and re-set) my boundaries, and it kind of worked. But then a “hell, no” incident came along, and that was that. Instant cut-off. I think about this often, and about those red flags, and I wonder if I was too weak, stayed too long.

Now, I keep a “red flag” note on my phone (yes, I really do). If I see a red flag in any of my relationships, I write it down, and then I process it. Maybe that’s a bit weird, but it works. I find that the presence of these red flags is more a lesson about me than the other person. How much am I willing to tolerate? What’s my breaking point? How do I handle conflict? How in touch am I with my values, and how will I protect them? Once a red flag is identified, it is up to me to get curious about it, to examine it through observations and conversations, and decide if it should move into the “Quirk” pile, or the “Hell, no” pile or whether it should just be deemed irrelevant and erased all together. But a choice has to be made. Red flags should not be allowed to fester. And once a choice is made, the responsibility of that flag falls on me: I knew the facts, I thought about it, and I made the decision. I must own it.

I’m mostly talking about red flags that apply to specific people and situations, but I do have an informal list of general red flags that I use to vet people. They are not cast in stone (always bring that curiosity to the table!) but they are useful, and have served me well: 

• People who don’t like dogs. I keep testing this, and it has never proved me wrong. I sometimes desperately want it to be wrong, but it never is. (Cat people are ok, though!)

• People who take birthdays very seriously. Maybe this is just my small sample of people, but all those over the age of 21 who feel that their birthday is by far the most important day of the year and should be celebrated by everybody often turn out to be narcissistic and problematic. Your milage may vary.

• People who show no interest in your preference of movies/music/hobbies. To be clear: I don’t think they have to like it, but they should care enough to be curious about what you like.  

• People who keep on referencing stories only from their youth, and have no recent stories that show development. This means they have a lot of growth to do, and it can be exhausting to be there for that process. It’s surprising how common this is. I had a friend once who kept on telling everyone about an accolade she received from university thirty years ago. And that was where her pride ended. (This is not the same as people who tell stories of their youth! Those are fun and entertaining. G has so many, and I could listen to them for days.)

Flying the other flag:

It’s almost 2026 (I know you know), which means we are about to have an exciting sport year: The Winter Olympics and the FIFA World Cup. I will be talking about both a lot, fair warning. And even more so than usual since the South African team has actually qualified to play! And not in the “we’re the hosts, so we get to be on the field” kind of way, but in a “we’re one of the best in Africa” kind of way. First time ever.

I’ve been watching…

We watched Spinal Tap: The Ending Continues. It was funny, but not as funny as the first one. I’d skip it, unless you really enjoyed the first one. 

I have no idea what we are watching next week, and it’s my turn to choose. I feel like it should be something honouring Diane Keaton. We already watched Something’s Gotta Give (that house!!!). Maybe it should be First Wive’s Club? Yep! I’ve decided! That’s what it’s going to be. Bet your bottom dollar I will probably be able to write seven newsletters on the theme of that movie, lol.

Also, I don’t know how I missed this, but Ryan Gosling (swoon!) plays the main character in Project Hail Mary. Now, if you have not read the book….go read the book!!! It’s a science fiction story (written by the same guy who wrote The Martian) but it’s fundamentally about friendship. Everyone who I recommended it to and who has read it has loved it (including Zac). And I strongly suggest you read it before you watch the movie.

Looking ahead…

Still nothing particularly exciting. G and I are going to chill and watch a lot of water polo, and hopefully there is a massive thunder storm on Saturday night because that’s exactly what I want. I have some exciting business meetings lined up next week, Micole writes her board exam (one of two) and there’s more fine print to read at work. Waiting for December, eagerly. 

Thanks for reading!

Want more? You can find past editions here.

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P.S.