👟👠 Overeating and overthinking (#97)

Hi ! Welcome back. Hope you’re enjoying the weekend. Today I am writing about ….stupid men, friendships, communities, 1% dials and old English tales 😀 - Eve D.❣️

What I did this week:

🎂 I celebrated my birthday, fabulously. I did exactly what I would want to do on a special day, which is spend it with my favourite people, good food and good wine. I had all that in abundance, and as a bonus caught up with rarely-heard-from friends from around the world. Win-win. I also, I need to admit, overate during the festivities. This does not happen to me often, but it happened to me on Saturday. G and I were invited for lunch by a couple who refer to themselves as foodies (so you can well imagine how much I ate) and then G took me out to dinner to the type of fancy restaurant you need to book ages in advance and if you show up 10 minutes late they “give your table away”. We arrived full of optimism of being able to consume a three course dinner, but quickly derailed. This much-anticipated dinner had exactly four items on the bill: one gourmet pizza for G (half taken home), one carbonara pasta for me and two bottles of sparkling water (“to counter the lunch wine”). We were back home within 45 minutes. 🤣 

👠 We would have been home in 40 minutes, but I had to walk extra slowly - and awkwardly - to the car because I was wearing the highest heels invented by any man (because of course it’s a man who invented high heels!). I never wear heels anymore, which is unfortunate since G is so much taller than me and I actually love the concept of them. In this regard I am a bit like Sex and the City’s Carie Bradshaw - I like to wear heels, but I don’t like walking in them. Also, to be clear: I have lost the skill of a high heel walk. I am debating whether it’s worth re-learning?

🍖 Then, the following evening I went out to dinner again, this time with my kids. I literally ate half a portion of soup. I felt stuffed like a goose, and really only recovered on Tuesday. (Side note: You’d think I’d learnt my lesson but when G asked me if I wanted to go to an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet this weekend, you know I said “of course!”. I am never going to recover from all this indulgence).

🧗‍♀️ To counter my sins, I actually went on solo-hike this past Tuesday. Nothing major, just 5km, and I did it quite slowly. My kids got me hiking poles for my birthday, and I tried them out. They make a massive difference. The walk was good, but soon I will have to walk almost 4x that distance, four days in a row. Exciting.

🦥 To counter my hike, Thursday I woke up to pouring rain, fresh garden smells and a quick resolution to not get out of my pyjamas the whole day. I quickly realised that if I played my cards right I would not have to leave the house, or even get dressed. Instead, I spent the entire day in deep focus, and got so much work done that even I am impressed with myself. Which just shows you: context switching between work, calls, kids, car rides, shopping, emails, admin, and extra-murals is a very expensive price to pay when you are trying to be productive.

Stupid men…

A thing that happened this week made me pause for a long second. On Saturday, I lodged a request for an invoice for a digital service that I occasionally subscribe to, and indicated I’d pay it on Monday. This request was via Whatsapp, and was a procedure I had done about 3-4 times before, always via the same channel, same recipient, and always with quick resolution. But on this particular Saturday, this man loses his shit (because I didn’t respond to his message) and goes into full on harassment behaviour. Here are the screenshots of the (totally one-sided) exchange:

How nuts is that? There are literally about 150 “hi”s.

Note that I had sent just one message to him, and then that brief “thank you”. What’s most telling to me is his last line:

This whole thing unfolded into Sunday evening, while I was dining with my kids. I showed them my chat, and of course they were horrified that shit like this can happen. Zac was adamant that it’s “not all men”, and it’s kind of sad that he already has to defend himself.

I pointed out to Micole that this man is not a threat because he is literally on a different continent, but… what if this was directed at her from some random guy she went on a date with? It can happen! She told me that when she was looking for a driver’s instructor, years ago, she reached out to this one man who sent her a weird-sounding message, so she declined his quote and blocked him…and he called her from three other numbers wanting to know why the hell she did that, and why she declined the quote. (I can’t believe she never told me this!!!). But shit like this makes me sooooo tired, and soooo angry.

Stop overthinking…

I am absolutely talking to myself here. I can overthink an issue to death, and will also feel like dying myself due to all the mental exhaustion. I have problems in my life (I call them “planes I cannot land”) that just keep on circling and circling. I am so tired of them. So I was excited to read this simple (but not easy!) three-question framework for figuring out what problems are worth thinking about, and which ones should just be shelved.

3 questions to stop overthinking immediately:

• Can I do anything about this right now? If the answer is yes, then the question becomes, will you take action? If yes, then do. If not, then stop thinking about it until you are willing to act. If the answer is no, you cannot do anything about it right now, then also stop thinking about it. It clearly serves no purpose.

• Is this about what has happened, what is happening, or what might happen? What has happened is done. Nothing you can do, other than learn from it. What might happen is pure fantasy, and you are stressing about something that might never happen instead of using your energy more productively. The only time that matters is the now. You still can’t control outcomes, but you can at least control your responses.

• Am I trying to solve a problem, or feel certain about an outcome? Solving problems is where you want to be. You can’t affect outcomes, so spending energy trying to secure them (how a person will react, what will happen to price of oil, will you get the job) is pointless. Rather figure out the problem (petrol is going up) and instead of spending energy to feel certain about an outcome (reading the news to see if the war will end soon) solve the problem (organise a car pool with other parents to take kids to school and sport).

An unfortunate truth is that understanding how we should act/behave is different from being able to act or behave that way. So answering these questions does not mean you will stop overthinking, but the clarity the questions give you might help you stop. Good luck. I know I will need it too!

Good reads…

🌼 Men don’t do things they don’t want to do. Once you read that sentence, you can’t unsee it! The more you think about it, the more you realise how true it is. Men don’t do things they don’t want to do, and women do things they don’t want to do all the time. I even see this with my two kids. Micole will sacrifice her preferences to do the right thing, and Zac will absolutely refuse to give of himself if it means doing …something he does not want to do. (Read more here, although to be honest the writer doesn’t offer much more insight than this)

🌼 A gentle piece about a woman who, at my age, decided she needs more friends she can call in the middle of the night, and instead finds the strength of a community. “The answer to loneliness isn’t necessarily finding five perfect people to call at 2 a.m.It’s building a bonfire. It’s creating circles where people feel seen. It’s showing up, imperfectly and consistently. It’s understanding that connection doesn’t have to be intense to be meaningful.” Read more here. Bonus: This piece give you 50 ways to be a good friend.

🌼 The 1% dial. A little bit like Atomic Habits, and a whole lot like how I am thinking about life right now, Basically, the author’s premise is: you don’t bring around lasting change by making big adjustments. You do it by making small adjustments. Trick: the small adjustments still have to be difficult. Don’t confuse “small” with “safe”. “The 1% Dial is not about avoiding discomfort. It’s about choosing the smallest courageous action available. If the action doesn’t create exposure, feedback, or growth, it’s probably avoidance disguised as strategy. Small should still feel slightly uncomfortable.” Read more here.

🌼 How far back can you understand English? A fun one. The author tells a story in sections, and each section is written in English of a 100yrs prior. I bet you won’t be able to understand much beyond the 1500s. Try to read it here.

🌼 The great UTI scandal. Turns out most recurring UTIs are not bacterial infections, but a result of (easily fixed) hormone imbalance. Blow me over with a feather…women’s conditions are still misunderstood. Read it here.

What I watched:  

If you remember, last week we watched a Neil Diamnond-themes movie, so for this week’s movie choice I picked Beautiful Girls because that is the movie that introduced me to “Sweet Caroline” and this memory has always stuck with me. I loved it when I first watched it thirty years ago, and I am happy to report I love it still. The cast is awesome: Natalie Portman, Uma Thurman, Rosalie O’Donnel, Matt Dillon, Michael Rapaport, Mira Sorvino

Two things I want to discuss re this movie.

First. Natalie Portman plays a 13 year old girl (she was 15yrs in real life). Her character is wise, an “old soul” and as beautiful as you can imagine. One of the other main characters, an adult man who is decent in every sense, starts feeling an attraction to her, and is somewhat both curious and horrified by it. She starts to come on strong. Because she is “wise”, and seemingly mature, and brilliant with conversation, you are tempted to believe she knows “what she is doing” and is fully responsible for her actions. Luckily, the male character knows better and does not in any way succumb to the temptation, and eventually removes himself permanently from the situation. Which, of course, IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. No 13 year old can ever be tresponsible for their actions in this sense. This is such an important slice of the #MeToo story, especially with the whole Epstein horror show. Young girls are not responsible for men’s actions, no matter what they say, what they wear, what they do. There are no excuses. End of story. (Side note: in a horrific twist, Beautiful Girls was produces by Harvey Weinstein).

Second. I realised this week that I first watched Beautiful girls in my last year of college, which is exactly 30 years ago this year. So, in theory, that’s how long I have been adulting. A lot has happened in those 30 years. A lot. I’ve had numerous long term relationships, I have had 2 kids, I have had various houses, countries of residence, friends, careers, interests, pets, hobbies, cars and side hustles. All transient, all important at the time. Nothing unusual about any of this. What is slightly more interesting: I can reasonably expect to have another thirty years ahead of me (would make me 83yrs). THERE IS ANOTHER ONE WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME. It will have a different rhythm to the past 30 years, of course, but there is no reason why it should have less excitement, less joy, less heartache, less pain etc etc. It’s life. And there is SO MUCH more of it to live. (with all the usual caveats and unless-es in place, like “gets hit by a bus” or “astroids”.). I’m excited, and a bit scared. Also, to be perfectly honest, a little bit tired.

Next week:

Probably a bit of this:

Thanks for reading!

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