👟👠The joy of living alone (#4)

Hi ! Welcome to all the new subscribers! You have no idea how exciting it is to have you here. This is my fourth newsletter edition, which is enough time for me to confirm that I enjoy writing it. So now need to start “marketing” it which, to be honest, sounds like a bit of a nightmare but will hopefully help me reach more women. This week I am thinking (and writing) about the joys of living alone, blind dates in Japan, all the other lives we could have had, ADHD and Taylor Swift. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here. - Eve D.❣️

The case for living without a man

I don’t know a woman who can read that quote and not laugh out loud! Unlike Linda, I am not opposed to the actual dating part, but I draw the line at cohabitation. And now that I live alone, and can “do whatever I want”, I don’t imagine that will change in any foreseeable future. I’m very comfortable (and gleeful!) in this reality, and revel in the opportunity to solo-create a new home in Switzerland when I move there full time at some point in my life ( 🙄 ).

On that premise, I so loved this “In the restful houses of women who live alone” piece by Poorna Bell, in which she makes a gentle but compelling case for women to live with cats instead of men. “..although society makes jokes about women who live alone and our cat armies, and pities the aching void we must carry within us without the proximity of a man to light us up, the truth is the opposite.” (Note: The article is behind a paywall, but you get one free read, I think) As an added bonus, also read the reaffirming and grateful comments, from women who walk this path. “I live my life on my terms, 24x7x365. My home is all mine, my oasis of pampering, comfort and peace, where I indulge my every whim. I want for absolutely nothing.” - (Kathy).

I think this becomes especially more ideal as children grow up and leave the house - I do think that (healthy) two-parent households are preferable when kids are involved (although it’s not a must! There are plenty of very functional kids being raised by single moms, including mine. And some by single dads too, of course). I’m going to be devastated when my kids leave the house, but when they do I am going to pick myself off the floor and revel in the freedom that I will have regained, and I honestly, truly hope that if I am sharing my life with someone else, I will stop short of sharing the roof too.

I don't want to come across as a man hater. I'm far from it. I love good men: the companionship, the intimacy, the security of knowing that someone has your back. But I also, especially the older I get, crave aloneness, and silence, and space to think my thoughts. I think maybe the best way to describe it is to say that I yearn to be allowed to be selfish. Selfish with my time, my attention and my space. I want to spend time with myself, and I think that that is a good, healthy urge. 🤷 

RELATIONSHIPS

An impromptu blind date?

Speaking of men, I follow Nick Gray @nickgraynews on Twitter. He’s an unpretentious and fun character and a half. What he is most known is a book that teaches people to throw 2 hour cocktail parties (it’s genius). He is of course all about networking and doing oddball things, but in a sane, and fun way not in that cringy way that we often see.

Anyway! I’m not writing to tell you about his book. I want to tell you about his latest oddball thing: asking Twitter if there was a woman who would be willing to go on blind date with him…for a fully paid trip to Japan!! 🇯🇵 

And of course he found one!

And they are in Japan right now, and the whole thing is the sweetest thing ever and Twitter is losing its mind over this “couple” 🥰 . Nick is tweeting extensively about their days (and they are doing some amazing things). He is extremely forthright and well intentioned, so he’s telling us the bad (he’s nervous, anxious and very tired) as well as the good (she seems like a wonderful, funny and kind date), and who knows where this will end up. It’s different, and bold, and allows us to live vicariously through them. If you want to know for yourself, you can follow the adventure here 😍 

PS Sometimes, we just need to stop overthinking things, no? Nick says he woke up with the idea, and went with it before he tied himself up in knots. What’s the worst thing that could have happened? Reminds me of this:

“Even if you haven’t worked out all the details, just start. You might change direction altogether, but you will do it based on new information that you can only collect when you are busy doing, not just thinking.”

RELATIONSHIPS

🇫🇷 Are we all having less fun between the sheets? According to a survey of 2,000 adults, France is suffering from "an unprecedented decline" in sexual activity. 24% of French adults aged 18-69 said they had not had sex in the previous 12 months. Let’s blame the youth: for 18-24yrs, the celibacy rises to 28%. And it’s not just France: Spain, Netherlands, Germany, US, Australia and the UK all have similar results. If we can’t count on the French for love and unabashed sex, then who do we have left? Oh! The Italians! 🇮🇹 They still come out with flying colours in similar surveys.

MENTAL HEALTH: ADHD

It seems half the people I know are being diagnosed with adult ADHD. It's almost like the "in-trend", with bored people jumping on the bandwagon and using a new self diagnosis to justify their behaviour. The problem with that logic is that a lot of those people are ones I really respect and trust. So I don't think this is a fad. I think this is a thing.

My friend Sheena tweeted an excellent thread of how she helps her ADHD son (she is open about the fact that she too had a late diagnosis and is now medicated for ADHD) and her thread was an eye opener for me. And then I read an article in digital magazine about adult ADHD (told you, it's suddenly everywhere), and my eyes were opened even wider.

I don't have ADHD, at least by any measure of any self-diagnosis I have done. But now I know that I have a friend who almost definitely does, and it explains so much about her behaviour. I now understand that when she has a spaced out look when I talk to her, or when she interrupts me to bring up a topic that is completely unrelated to conversation at hand it's because, as Sheena says, her “inner voices are just louder than anyone else’s”. It used to drive me mad. Now, it will still drive me mad, but at least I'll understand it.

I strongly suggest that you at least read up about adult ADHD or speak to someone who knows about it. Even if it doesn’t apply to you, it probably affects people in your close circle, whether they know it or not. And if you know the mechanics, it might make the relationship smoother.

CONNECTIONS

Can you read people well? Take this facial expression test. You’ll get 36 photos of people’s eyes, and will need to choose what the person is thinking or feeling. (I got 30/36, which I thought was good for me, given that I have face blindness).

READING NOOK

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow. I started this book last night on a whim, because it was highly recommended and is a quick read. Unfortunately I didn’t get far (very tired) but omg…what an amazing premise.

Nora, a young woman, dies and ends up in Midnight Library, where she is confronted with millions and millions of books, all depicting a storyline of a possible other life she could have had, had she made different choices in the past. She can opt to open any book, and be transported to that life, in that moment in time. If she chooses, she can come back to the library, and try again. I am at the point where she has tried out three or so alternate lives, and they all disappoint. It reminds me of a quote I love, “You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from” (Cormac McCarthy).

Anyway, I have no idea how the book ends, or even where it’s going, but I know that it is almost definitely one of those books that will shift my outlook on life, and that can only be a good thing.

PS. The author is the one who also wrote The Boy Named Christmas, which is a beautiful movie to watch with your kids, if you haven’t done so yet.

MUSIC

I'm not a Swiftie by any stretch of the imagination, but when I tell you that Folklore saved me during Covid I tell no lies. I played it over and over and over again during lockdown, and when she brought out Evergreen in quick succession it gave me hope that shit could still get done, even if we were locked up like hamsters. So of course I got onto The Tortured Poets Department (what a title!) immediately, and have been playing it in the background while I work (including as I write this newsletter). My favourite songs so far are “So long, London” and “Peter”.

“And I’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free”

This woman is a genius, and I am grateful for her music.

That’s it for this week. (Want more? You can find past editions here). Have I mentioned how much I love writing these? Thanks for reading. I hope you have a great weekend and upcoming week. Please keep sharing /forwarding to your friends/groups 😄 

~If you liked this…~

This email literally went out to just 10 of you, but I have audacious goals for reaching many more women. You can help! If you think a friend might enjoy the newsletter, please invite them using the link below (I pray I configured this correctly!). You can also just forward them the email. 🙏 

Even better…if you have comments or ideas for Sneakers and Heels, please hit reply on this email and let me know. Or you can email directly on [email protected]

And if it’s not your cup of tea, I totally understand! You can unsubscribe using the link in the footer.