👟👠 Friends, and situationships (#23)

Hi !  Welcome back. It’s September! This week I am thinking (and writing) about friends, cynics and midlife dating. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here or by clicking the button below. - Eve D.❣️

WEEK IN REVIEW

☕️ Caught up with a lot of friends this week. That was fun. (see below).

💇‍♀️ I went to the hairdresser and I chopped off my hair. I am regretting it slightly, but it was more a necessity than an aesthetic choice. Also, I don’t know about you but for me new phase in life always means new hairstyle. My hair usually knows before me, lol.

☀️ Summer is here. I killed the first mosquito yesterday. I also bought myself a random tank top, went home, tried it on and liked it so much I went and bought six more, in different colours. So that’s my summer uniform, sorted!

📕 I didn’t write enough for my book, but I will catch up this weekend. I did write for my blog though, which I hadn’t done in a while.

💰️ I got my head in order, which I kind of knew would happen after the Kruger trip. Decided to pursue a work project I have been thinking about for a very long time, and was encouraged to get out of my own way. It’s big, but it’s going to be fun, and possibly lucrative.

🤽 I attended a high school waterpolo tournament, and how fun was that! Something totally new for me. I like this “new experiences” trend I have going, and I want to keep it up. Going to look for something new to do this week too.

FRIENDS IN RIGHT PLACES

This past week I had fourteen social, non-work related get-togethers. That includes coffees, lunches, long social phone calls (min 30 minutes), events etc. spent with friends in South Africa and across the globe (just messaging does not count!).

Granted, that’s many more social events than usual, and is probably due to the fact that a) there are some overseas friends visiting and b) I promised myself that when I think of someone I haven’t touched base with in a while, I will contact them for a catch up. Example: last week I mentioned my college boyfriend Sean in the newsletter, and this week I spent a couple hours chatting to him. Win! (Highly recommend this little hack).

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this is also the week I felt particularly joyous and light. We underestimate how much connecting with others invigorates us (see below for how cynics suffer with no social interaction) and we should put more attention to spending time with people who energise us (and no time with people who drain us). And if your argument against this is that a) you don’t have time or b) you don’t have enough of these people in your life I would challenge you on both of these. You can make the time, and even a random coffee with a fellow school mom can improve your day.

(Although don’t be fooled: generally speaking I’m no social butterfly. I spent most of my adult life saying I don’t like people, and I have only recently updated this to say that I can tolerate most people but only in small doses. But that doesn’t apply to “my people”. I don’t have many of those, but given the opportunity I would choose to spend all my time with them. I cherish my friends greatly. ❤️ )

FREE THERAPY

DON’T BE A CYNIC

I am in the process of watching this podcast with Jamil Zaki, in which he talks about cynicism and the effects it has on daily life. It’s not good news. Cynics (defined loosely as people who have little faith in the goodness of other people) are less happy, less successful and more prone to health issues. This is directly related to the fact that cynics have less social connection in their lives, because they are less trusting of others.

And by now we know: less interaction means less happiness means more depression and more chronic ill health. We are hardwired to connect with people, and we suffer if we don’t. You might not like this truth, but it is what it is. Meaningful social connection is one of life’s best hacks.

And anyway, the cynics get it all wrong. Studies have shown over and over again that, on average, people are more good than bad, and they are definitely better than we give them credit for. If you think otherwise, it’s probably because you spend too much time on social media or reading negative news. (Quick aside: cynicism is different from scepticism. Biggest difference is that skeptics will change their mind in presence of supporting data, and cynics will just double down on their original viewpoint).

If you suspect or think you are a cynic, open yourself to the idea that this approach is not serving you and listen to the podcast. It’s a worthwhile opportunity to reframe how you approach everyday life, and the people in it. You will be happier for it.

SAVOUR THE GOOD STUFF

I also learnt of a new life hack in the above podcast, which is to take time to savour life. We all know about the importance of gratitude, and some of us practice it regularly (highly beneficial!) but savouring life goes a step further because it focuses you to acknowledge and enjoy good moments while they happen. It sounds so simplistic, but is surprisingly powerful. Check on your emotions regularly, and if you are feeling particularly positive… pause and savour the moment.

Acknowledging and appreciating positive events as they happen improves overall life satisfaction and allows for easier emotional regulation.

I am definitely going to focus on being more deliberate about the savouring habit. I already try to do a form of it: when being with people brings me joy, I try to remember to tell them. Either directly, or through a quick “that was so much fun!” Whatsapp, post-event. My happiness is directly related to their presence, and it’s important to acknowledge people who play a role in making your life better. Now, I am going to be even more deliberate about checking in on myself regularly, and consciously savouring even the small good things.

SUIT UP

I have a very soft spot for a well cut suit (and the man wearing it 😂 ), and I think this is a brilliant suit accessory! Until now suited men only had cufflinks and socks to bring in some humor and personality. Look forward to this taking off.

SOCIAL MEDIA PRISON

Did you know we scroll through about 300 feet (90 metres) of social media per day. That’s literally the height of the Statue of Liberty!

I need to get more active on social media if I want to sell my book. I’d rather eat raw snails. I actually have no problem being on social media but it has to be on my terms, with my own agenda (ie: no agenda). I am not interested in playing to the algorithm, tricking people to be my followers or enabling some hacks to get some ridiculous follower targets. As things stand I post on social media when I want to (ie: almost never), how I want to (spontaneously) and in a way that works for me.

This also applies to this newsletter. I am content with it growing slowly and organically. I have had opportunities to market it to massive audiences and I have always declined because…I don’t actually care about focussing on growth at this point. I’d rather focus on writing it.

But, if I am to market and sell this book of mine, then I guess I’m going to have to play the game. I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I want to do and how, and - unsurprising - I have no answers. So, I am going to throw spaghetti against the wall and see what a) I enjoy and b) what gets traction. (Even as I write the “traction” word I want to vomit). So if you see me doing crazy things on your social feeds, just know you are watching a live experiment and send some sympathy my way 😀 .

I experienced something unusual yesterday. During some downtime in the high school waterpolo tournament, I had a beer with two fathers (and a friend) who were there to watch their sons compete, and whom I did not know. We did the usual pleasant chit chat about this and that, shared life anecdotes, spoke about our kids etc. Here is the interesting part: during the 30 or so minutes of us getting to know each other no one asked anyone else what they do. Isn’t that unusual? I think we were so relaxed and in the moment, savouring the fact that we were away from our daily obligations that we refused to be pulled back into the harsh real world by talking about work. I now believe we should get to know people by learning about their outside-of-work lives, because that is a far better clue about who they really are at the core.

(Personally, I hate being asked what I do, because even I barely know the answer 😃, and it always leads to more questions I don’t feel like answering. A couple of weeks ago someone asked me and I said …wait for it…that I am an author (!!!). I completely ignored the fact that I actually have a whole other thing that I do that makes me money. Instead, I redefined myself as someone who is a writing a book. Telling, isn’t it? )

IT’S COMPLICATED …

My 22yr old daughter Micole taught me a new word on Friday. Situationship: A romantic or intimate relationship between two people who do not consider themselves a couple but who have more than friendship. I love it! Trust Generation Z to come up with a word that encapsulates the weird world of dating and fear of commitment that is our life in the 2020s. 

(She also said men are “confused” and “they need help”. I was on the floor!! 🤣 🤣 )

Speaking of dating….

After last weeks newsletter quite a few of you reached out to say that I should talk more about midlife dating. (This request came from both women and men, because yes, some men do read it. 😃 ). And I agree…I should! A couple of problems with that, though.

The most obvious problem is that men who hang out with me know about this newsletter. Whether they read it or not is entirely up to them (you can read it on the website without subscribing) but I could never give you an honest account of a date without possibly compromising either myself or them. If I had a terrible date, how could I write about it without hurting someone’s feelings? If I had a wonderful date, I’d be laying my cards on the table with you before I did it with them - also not ideal.

The other problem - and more significant! - is that I don’t really date that much 😂 . As I explained in my last newsletter, I prefer to filter from a distance and so when I do end up connecting with someone it is usually because (the poor soul!) was already reasonably well vetted by me. Doesn’t make for exciting drama 😃 . I don’t have horror stories, I am good friends with all my ex-es (except one from 25 yrs back 😂 ) and I have an overall very positive outlook about men.

But….you should still see my whatsapp chats! My girlfriends and I talk about (mostly their) men all the time. I date vicariously through them 😂 . Everything gets dissected and examined with a microscope. Then we tend to just give up and drink a glass of wine. (During a nail-biting high school waterpolo match I asked the dads how they deal with the nerves and tension. “We drink!” they said. I think this is how women cope with dating!).

Nevertheless, I can give you my general opinion on midlife dating, learnt from personal experience and those of my friends (both male and female).

• By far the best part of midlife dating for me is that I am done having kids. I am no longer looking for a partner to father my offspring, and I am also not being vetted accordingly. I don’t have to worry that my partner choices are life long commitments even if I don’t want them to be (fathers will likely be in your life until kids turn 18, one way or another). I don’t need marriage, or a promise of everlasting, till-death-do-us-part love. Of course I want my partner to at least like my kids (and vice versa), but I am ok shouldering the full burden of raising them. It means the pressure of the type of man I date is lessened considerably, and I can take more risks.

• Very much related to the above, I can now focus on having more fun with my partner. We don’t need to build a house together, save for college, climb our career ladders. We can, instead, plan adventures and experiences. This is a different definition of a relationship that I would have in my 30s. It doesn’t mean that all our time must be fun and games, but I think the cookie crumbles differently on this in midlife.

• I am now very comfortable in my skin. If someone wants a svelte 26 yr old, they must go and get one and leave me alone. I am 51yrs old, I have a two-kids-have-been-in-here stomach, and all the other wrinkles that come with middle age. Take it or leave it, I am not going to be too bothered - and this is a self-filtering system. Men who want the perky trophies are not the men that I want. This approach has served me very well.

• I am also (somewhat) comfortable with myself in general. I am way past the point of trying to be someone I am not. That too is a filter, because I am not going to be changing to fit someone’s else’s expectations. Bonus for them: I have no such expectations of change from them either.

• I am much wiser about men than I was in my youth and I am much wiser about relationships in general. I know full well that a honeymoon period dissipates, and there better be a strong foundation there. I know the importance of respect for each other.

• It all boils down to two things: do you laugh together, and do you miss each other. Two yes-es is a Yes.

My personal (very, very limited) experience though is that it’s fun. Is it difficult to meet men? Yes. Does it bring heartache? Yes. But if you stick to your values, and don’t compromise out of desperation (but also not limit yourself due to unrealistic expectations), then I think this could be a great chapter in our lives.

MOVIES

For my weekly movie date (still going strong!) we watched Airplane! which…I do not recommend. I thought it would be silly and funny, but it was just silly. Maybe I am getting old. My friend enjoyed it though. He said it “…holds up as a clever stupid movie.” Kind of sums it up.

Week before, we watched “Wicked Little Letters” which is…different and surprisingly delightful! Do not watch if you are easily offended by swear words…they are pretty much another character in the movie.

“When residents begin to receive wicked letters full of hilarious profanities, foul-mouthed Rose is charged with the crime. However, as the town's women investigate, they suspect that something is amiss, and that Rose may not be the culprit after all.” Brilliant acting from Olivia Coleman and Jessie Buckley.

NEXT WEEK….

I have so much more to say, but this newsletter is already too long 😭. Next week I want to talk about: the language of love, phones that listen to our conversations, hating Mondays (and why that’s a very bad sign), how to make difficult decisions …and about 20 fun links I have bookmarked to share with you ❤️.

Thanks for reading!

That’s it for this week. (Want more? You can find past editions here). I hope you have a great weekend and upcoming week. Please keep sharing /forwarding to your friends/groups 😄 . You can also email me privately by hitting reply on this email.

PS