👟👠 Brrrr.... (#101)

Hi ! Welcome back. I hope you’re warm wherever you are, one way or another. Today I am writing about math, big cats, secret ventures, sociopaths, labels, fake photos, boring clothes and friendship-versaries - Eve D.❣️

What I did this week (and last)

🌧️ I can’t begin to talk about this week without talking about the weather. It’s cold. I’m suddenly wearing layers, and scarves, and thick socks, and drinking lots of hot water with lemon. And it’s wet. It’s not supposed to rain in April, but it is indeed raining, every day, all day. On the one hand, it’s divine. Moody and lazy. On the other hand….it’s cold. And all those hot-water-drinks make me need to pee all the time. Annoying.

🧮 I’m now helping out two kids with their high school math, although I do it very sporadically, and a lot of the help is done via whatsapp. BUT! How awesome is this?

And then, when I shared the above message with Micole, this is what she wrote:

(My kids are just as vested with my two students improving their marks as I am! Sweet!)

⁉️ I brunched and I lunched. These meals-out or meals-with-friends might sound like insignificant items on a week’s schedule, but actually they are what makes the whole week awesome. I get to spend time with people that I really care about, doing stuff I really enjoy (aka eating good food). And every once in a while I meet someone new I just click with, and I make new friends! Which is exactly what happened this week. Increase your surface area for luck!

✈️ And, these meals can lead to other things. Laura and I met for an early morning coffee, and by 8:30am we had schemed up a plan to conquer the world. Or at least our little corner of the world. This is very hush-hush for now, so don’t tell her I said anything. But it’s awesome. (I’ve already said too much).

AI photos…

A month or so ago I attended a small and exclusive private market, where a photographer was taking headshots (for free). This week she sent me the photo (the one on the very right), and …it was so altered and edited that it just wasn’t me. I was a bit horrified by it, to be honest. I pushed back, and she sent me the raw file (middle image). You tell me which looks better. (I definitely have my favourite!)

When I say we crave authenticity, this is exactly what I mean. I want a photo taken of me, by a human, and although I totally get that photos are somewhat edited (reflection in glasses removed, for example), I am quite relatively happy with how I look in real life, and don’t need to be told or prompted that I should look “better”.

Sociopath

I (finally!) finished Sociopath. The book is a memoir of how the author managed to grow up as an undiagnosed sociopath, and how she manages her life right now. The book is at least 100 pages too long (why? why? why do authors do this?) and I have two main things to say: 

1. I did not find the book very credible or authentic. I am not convinced at all that the author is in fact a “sociopath”. A main characteristic of sociopathy is complete lack of “learnt” emotions, like remorse or empathy, yet she seems to have plenty. Her story, and her character, seems to have been moulded into her self-diagnosis. It’s all too convenient. She peppers the book with long psycho-babble dialogs which clearly could not really have happened in the detail she portrays them. She is self-lecturing, slightly narcissistic, and definitely on the spectrum of something. To be fair, she does tell us upfront she is a liar. So not sure how we are to believe she has chosen her memoir to suddenly tell the truth.

2. Nevertheless, regardless of the actual diagnosis, the author does exist, and I will assume that the events she talks about are real. She is (was?) a thief, a stalker, a violent criminal, a manipulator, and a liar. She also hid all of that from most people very successfully. If you watch the video below (of her) you will never know this person is (was?) capable of stealing your car, breaking into your house and living in it while you were at work, on holiday or in the garden. And yet… she exists. I want my kids to read this book, or at least to be aware of its story, because I want them to know that people can be malicious, duplicitous, manipulative and fake. And beneath a well ironed cloak of pleasantries they can be downright dangerous. We need to be aware, and we need to be vigilant. (And this, this time, applies to both genders). 

Labels

Reading the Sociopath book made me think about how we crave to label ourselves, and how those labels then define us. Patric, the author of the book, is insistent that she is a sociopath, and tells everyone this so they know what she is like. But the term “sociopath” is not officially recognised in the world of psychology, because it falls somewhere on the spectrum between anti social and psychopath.  So no two sociopaths are alike, and none share all the same behaviours consistently. If psychiatrists can’t agree on what makes a sociopath a sociopath, then why do we feel entitled to label people as such, and expect everyone to know what we mean?

We will refer to a person as a sociopath if they show no emotion or as a psychopath if we think they are emotionless and dangerous. To us, a narcissist thinks highly of themselves, and a bipolar person has up and down mood swings. We diagnose people at a drop of a hat, while it takes experts weeks and weeks of sessions, and multitude of tests before they commit to assigning a label to someone’s personality disorder. But we don’t care, because we intuitively “know”. 

Of course, we actually know shit. And our labels are not limited to describing behaviours. We also attempt to label identity. If I think of how someone could label me, I quickly see how any label is void of most any real meaning. Examples:

• Polish - but how is that different from a Hungarian?

• Single mom - Pointless. I know single moms who hold down two jobs and barely make the rent, and I know single moms who have one nanny per kid, a driver in the car and a chef in the kitchen. Different lives, same label?

• Writer - of a NYT bestseller, or a tiny, weekly newsletter?

Then you also have the very real concept of paradoxes (I am extroverted and introverted) and labels can be very polarising and prejudicial.

So maybe, instead of assigning single word labels to people, we tell who they are by telling their story, whether in shared gossip over tea, or in a biography. And then let the listener decide for themselves. Be careful though: how you tell a story of another person often tells the listener more about you than about the subject of your conversation.

Let’s talk about …

I’m doing another of my #braindumps today. Short snippets of things that are on my mind. No rhyme or reason:

💐 I’m noticing this more than usual lately: there is noise everywhere. People are listening to their cellphones without headphones, having loud face time conversations in public, playing blaring music in their car with windows open. Yesterday I went for a walk in my neighbourhood and the woman walking ten paces ahead of me was having a full on loud conversation via her headphones: I nearly lost my shit…walking is the one thing I do where I can escape into my own world, and even this is now being infiltrated with pointless noise. I’m sick of people, frankly. I am sick of traffic, and busy coffee shops, and queues in shops, and crowded markets and please do not get me started on airports. I want peace and quiet, and I am struggling to find it.

💐 Still kind of on the topic of Sociopath, I read this week that studies have shown therapy is mostly ineffective. Or at least, it’s not more effective than having a good coffee with a friend. And I totally, totally get that. When I had a therapist, I loved the sessions but I was very clear on why: I was literally paying someone to sit and listen to me for an hour, without having to worry that I am overburdening them with my problems. It was bliss. (A therapist is not “waiting for her turn to speak”). But that was during Covid, when we couldn’t exactly pop out and have hour long coffees with friends. Today, I am again peculiarly eager to go back to therapy but I am also very clear on why: I want to talk out loud, to an impartial person, and settle the chaos in my brain. I could do this with a friend, but it seems unfair to burden them with my babble. (“Hasn’t stopped you before”, I can hear G saying). I almost feel like I could do this with AI, but for now I still prefer another heartbeat in close proximity. So therapy it should be! (As an aside, the rebuttal to the “therapy is mostly ineffective” is that “most therapists are ineffective, but the outliers are brilliant and life changing”. Which actually applies to most professions).

💐 Simple decluttering hacks. You’ve probably heard this one before: everything in your house should have a specific place it belongs (not just “a random drawer”). A place for everything, and everything in its place. This falls firmly in the “simple but not easy” category, but try it anyway! Even if just for one room (I do not recommend that you start with the kitchen!). More hacks: while you are trying to declutter (which can be most overwhelming) set the timer for five minutes only. After that time, you are done. This makes it easier to go again the next day. Don’t forget to declutter your digital world too: unsubscribe from people (or entire social networks!), delete spammy emails, remove useless photos from your gallery. And before you buy anything new, ask yourself whether you “truly need to buy this, or am I attempting to placate another emotion eg hunger, a sense of lack, boredom?”.

💐 I attempted to go shopping again and… 🤮 . Everything is still so boring. Probably because it’s winter stuff. But…bleh. Then I saw this piece of advice: invest in just standout pieces. These pieces can be bright scarves, chunky necklaces, puffy jackets, hats (!), unique belts, funky shoes. Then, mix and match these with a “boring” capsule wardrobe. You will have one-off items that are eye-catching, and totally you.

It’s 25 April today….

What I watched:  

Two weeks, so two movies!

First, Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice. I’m not going to tell you anything about it, because that is how you are supposed to watch this movie. Well, I will tell you that it has Vince Vaughn in it! I do love that man. And there is a trailer below, if you insist (watch ONLY the first 30 seconds, they’re funny- but any more than that and you’ll get spoilers). I see the trailer comes with an age restriction, not sure why. Don’t let it scare you.

And second, Fight Club. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t what I got. This was my comment about it to my movie partner:

Side note: Nik (my movie buddy) and I have been watching movies for six years this week! 🥳. We’ve never met in person, we live 10,000km apart, and we meet every Wednesday night online to watch a movie. We’ve watched about 300. It’s awesome.

Next week:

Next week is a fantabulous week! Monday and Friday are public holidays, so you know that Tues, Wed, Thurs are dud days. No one expects anything of anyone on days like those, so I am looking forward to a quiet but productive week where shit gets done but people leave me alone. #Bliss. Also, I am going to four markets in the next seven days, each with a different vibe. I shall report back!

Thanks for reading!

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