👟👠 All the balls in the air(#24)

Hi !  Welcome back. We survived Friday 13th (again) 😄 .This week I am thinking (and writing) about four things that keep me awake at night, whale trails, long dates, 36+1 questions to ask, the joy of texting and the beauty of poetry. If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can join here or by clicking the button below. - Eve D.❣️

WEEK IN REVIEW

I don’t know what to say about this week, because frankly I am not quite sure where it went. Monday was an absolute drag, and I’ve been having too many of those lately. When the start of the week continuously fills me with dread, something is wrong. I’m clearly going through a transition phase of some sort, and maybe I’m just impatient. The week did improve though 😍.

☕️ This sounds trivial, but we had a new little hub open literally down the road from the house, and now I have a coffee shop, bakery, deli, butchery, burger joint and florist 3 minutes away. It’s nestled away in the centre of my suburb, and I think it will grow our little community, and give me a fun daily diversion. I look forward to meeting neighbours over a cappuccino. And now I don’t have to cook dinner every night. I’m excited.

🍽️ Socially, it was a much quieter week this week than the past two, but quality over quantity! I’m looking forward to this new rhythm, and the joys it brings.

🐳 I’m still walking, and now I have a possible new goal: The Whale Trail. It’s 60km along the spectacular South African coast, walked over 6 days. If I time it right, I can go in whale season and watch them from the shore. My goal is to do this in 2026, and to book out the whole trail (12 people) and do it as a small group. If you’d be interested to join, let me know. I’ve run it past friends, and they’re excited! We can either do it as a women-only thing, where we spend 6 days talking about midlife and men, or bring our partners (but still probably talk about midlife and men anyway 😂 ).

📸 I’ve done fck all about my social media growth, despite stern talks with myself that it has to be done. Maybe this week? I’m not holding my breath.

SORTING OUT MY CRAP

I am plagued by four problems: Where/what should Zac’s next school be, what to do about my current house (stay/sell), my next career move (ready for a massive change) and where I should set up a permanent base (South Africa or Switzerland). These are my four big balls-in-the-air. Together with each of these balls, are about 20 smaller balls, all contingent on how any/all of the big balls land.

All the balls are co-dependant. Zac’s school is directly related to where I live, my house situation is directly related to where Zac goes to school, my career is dependant on which country I am in, my country of choice depends on Zac’s ideal education setup. Add the complexity of friendships, family and romantic interests to the equation, and it’s enough to drive me mad! And this conundrum - of how to land these balls - has been a dilemma since Covid (about 4 years). On most days, I wake up thinking about at least one of these problems, and I go to sleep trying to figure it all out.

I am mentally exhausted (as are all my friends who hear me discuss this ad nauseam).

Yet, a couple of observations: 

• If you read the above and thought “I also have balls in the air that I cannot land!”, rest assured that it’s not just you and me with this issue. Almost everybody I speak to has this problem. Some balls might be bigger than others, but nobody has it all worked out. Nobody.

• On the assumption that we are all here to grow, we might as well accept that no growth happens with an easy life. We signed up for this, and so we might as well accept that life will be challenging. That’s the game.

• Once you land your balls-in-the-air, new ones will appear. It really is like a video game!

Now some great news. I think -think- I have this set of balls all worked out. I had an intense moment of clarity today while having my weekly coffee with my friend Laura. Miraculously, we had solved three out of the four problems. Then, I needed to pee (tmi?). While in the bathroom, the solution to #4 hit me like a wave. It all made sense. This could work.

I feel lighter, and more focussed. I think maybe even…at peace? I do think that walking in the Kruger for hours on end without talking or listening to podcasts/music was in effect a two-day meditation which calmed the mind and augmented my problem solving capacity. (I know I am being slightly cryptic by not sharing details yet, but I want to live with it for a while to make sure this makes sense and is feasible).

LIFE HACK

Late afternoon hangouts: highly recommended

Here is what might be an unpopular opinion: if you are scheduling a one-on-one evening catchup or a date, you should allow it to start mid afternoon and finish early evening. The default is to start dinner at about 7pm, but that realistically only leaves about 2 hrs to chat before the kitchens start to close, and even that will be shortened by the time it takes to discuss menu choices etc. It’s just not long enough. And even if you do stay later than 9pm, you will likely start to feel exhausted. It’s a lose-lose situation.

If you’re meeting someone you already know and like, then the benefits of spending more time together are obvious. If it’s a first date, then you simply schedule it as a late lunch, and if it goes very well you can end up chatting well into the night. That’s a win-win.

I have now experimented enough with a 4pm start (finish at about 8-9pm) to know that this is a superior option to the start-later version. Bonus: change locations after the main dinner, and have drinks somewhere else. Nice transition to the end of the evening. 

FUNNY STUFF

IN SEARCH OF THE OTHER

36 question to ask

Have you heard of these? It’s 36 questions from two researchers who asked themselves if there is a way to hack intimacy between strangers. After many trial-and-error experiments, they come up with a set of questions that help people discover and connect with each other by highlighting common values, shared aspirations and compatibility. The process includes asking each other all these questions, and then (ideally) staring into each others eyes for 4 minutes. Works for strangers, friends, partners. At the very least, participants should walk away with a deeper connection, based on new found mutual understanding. I’ve tried it (without the 4 minute eye gazing), and it works. Some of the questions include:

• What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

• If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

• Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. (this one is incredible!)

• Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

• What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

• What do you value most in a friendship?

• If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

• If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

Be careful! On the Internet, these questions are mostly sold as a “guarantee to make you fall in love”, probably due to an article written by a New York Times reporter who tried them on her friend/colleague and…fell in love. So probably not the kind of title you want to lead with if you are on the first date with someone 🤣.

In any case, these are not love questions. I have used these prompts often, on friends and lovers, and I can assure you that love is not guaranteed 😂 . What you will get, instead, is a good insight into the other person, but also a new insight into yourself. Many of these questions require deep introspection, and your question-partner will challenge your viewpoints and assumptions. It can be an illuminating experience. During the Covid lockdown, a friend and I discussed one question per week, via Zoom, for hours at a time, and it was a bit mind blowing to be honest. (And yes, of course we are friends for life now).

But seriously, I repeat: these are not just date questions. Ask your friends, use them as writing prompts, discuss with your children, or run them past your partner. If you fear smalltalk (me!), adapt some of these to pull out of the hat when stuck in awkward silence. Bonus for me: Now that I am re-visiting these questions to share with you, I realise they all seem new to me again. Time to replay the game! 

See full list of questions here. (You should ask them in the specific order listed and despite instructions otherwise try to not rush them. If it takes you months to go through all the questions, so be it.)

PS. If you really want to mutually fall in love with the person, maybe try that 4 minute stare-into-each-others-eye thing as well? I’ve read it’s powerful, but I was never brave enough to try it myself. Staring into someone’s eyes is a lot. I couldn’t even manage with my longtime partner, back in the day. (That NYT reporter I mentioned above did do it with her then-colleague, so maybe it does seal the deal? 🤷‍♀️ )

BUT THEN, WHAT IS LOVE?

IN SEARCH OF SELF

37th question

Speaking of good questions….When I was on one of those recent 4-hour hangouts discussed above, my friend asked me a simple, innocuous question: ”How is Eve?”. Wasn’t interested in hearing about work, or kids, or my upcoming book (we had covered all those topics already). Wanted to know how I was doing. And my default “Fine…” was not acceptable 😃 .

It’s a surprisingly difficult question to answer, when you can’t fall back on third party situations. You have to come up with vocabulary that describes what you are feeling, not what you are doing in life. If that sounds simple, I challenge you to try it on yourself:

How are you, really?

FREE THERAPY

RHYTHM AND RHYME 

I am beginning to fall in love with reading poetry, I think. Poetry is the one medium that never caught on with me, and this week I realised why. I went to a very rigorous all girl’s high school with what I can only describe as a stellar English department. It’s where I learnt the value and importance of grammar, and where I was taught to write, for whatever that is worth. We were taught deep analysis of the language, in all media. I still remember Miss Jackson teaching us about the significance of camera angles in Chariots of Fire. And of course, one of the mediums we analysed in-depth was poetry. I found this particularly difficult. I was never good with flowery language and I struggled to put into words what I felt when reading poetry. Explaining word choices, line lengths, rhythms and rhyme was not anything I enjoyed.

Now, fast forward some decades, and I find myself reading poetry, and analysing it as I read. Why the line break, just there? Is the comma better than a full stop would have been? Did the poet mean me to sigh, with him? I almost get shivers of dread that I will be called on to explain the poets’ choices. But this week I finally realised…no one is watching. No one is evaluating. I am able to enjoy poetry for poetry’s sake. And so I am starting the journey! I am a bit embarrassed that it took me this long.

TEXTING

I’m watching a Huberman podcast on emotion regulation, and they talk about the danger of text messaging as a substitute for emotional connection. I get it. Messaging can be used to avoid conflict, inflict conflict, can be misunderstood and can even be isolating (see skit below, its super funny!). But for me, text messaging is my lifeline to the outside world, especially at times when other connections are difficult due to various constraints.

It’s unfortunate but true that I detest speaking on the phone (I will only happily answer the phone for six very specific people in my life: my sister, my kids and 3 close friends). In contrast, I can easily share (brace yourselves) hundreds of text messages per day, and yes they’re mostly from women because men do not like to text much 😂 . (To stay sane and productive I keep almost all my text messages and their groups on mute, so this isn’t a constant interruption throughout the day. It’s a break from the day, if anything).

But also, texting is a great filter for me. Texting is a form of writing, and writing is a form of thinking. And if you can’t text well, you probably can’t think well, and that’s a problem. Long, long, loooooong ago when I was on a dating app I discarded every single match except for one, mostly because anyone who seeks a commitment by starting a conversation with “how u?” must go seeketh somewhere else 🤣 . (Fun fact: the wonderful man I did connect with had a recipe for crème brûlée on his profile! And we are still very good friends, hopefully for life. And he knows how to write 😀. And cook. )

I have passed on this high criteria for writing to one of my kids. The other? Not so much 😂 . See below. (Context: This is our family chat group. I wanted to ask Zac if he is still hungry, and since his room is miles away from mine, it’s often easier to just text. This little snippet sums up our family dynamic perfectly. I’m glad my kids have a sense of humour).

DIRTY MUPPETS

Have you seen the Dirty Dancing scene, performed to the Muppet song? Even if you have, you deserve a reason to smile today. Click!

MASTERY 

I can’t even begin to imagine how this level of detail is achieved with just a brush and some paint.

RANDOM READS, LINKS AND FOLLOWS

🦜 Speaking of texting vs calling. A group of researchers taught domesticated parrots to call each other on smartphones. And once the birds learnt the skill, they eagerly called each other 😂 . And not just that: the birds initiated the calls, taught each other new skills (like sounds and flying techniques) and made new friends. “Cunha’s bird Ellie, a Goffin’s cockatoo, became fast friends with a California-based African grey named Cookie. “It’s been over a year and they still talk,” Cunha says.” The birds were first taught to ring a bell if they wanted to talk to someone. Then they were given an option of birds to call. They spent as much time on the phone as they were allowed to 😂 . I think this is all pretty amazing.

💾 Do you remember the website StumbleUpon.com? It would help you discover hidden corners of the web - something we could definitely do with right about now. Anything that takes power away from the algorithms gets my vote. Anyway, now there is a similar site! ClickTheRedButton.com takes you to random online sites when you click the button. It’s fun, and different. Give it a try.

MOVIES

This week I watched Fly me to the Moon. It’s an AppleTV+ production, and they really do have the best movies, which also seem to be the world’s best kept entertainment secrets! We almost never hear about them. Case in point, this one stars: Scarlett Johannson, Channing Tatum, Woody Harrelson, Ray Romano and many more top notch talent. And I hadn’t known of its existence until this week?

It’s a different romantic comedy, which was a very cute way to spend an evening. It’s whimsical, original, funny and somewhat unusual. Johannson is very good in it. It’s probably 20 minutes too long (aren’t most movies these days?) but nevertheless, I do recommend.

This week we’re watching Gladiator. I’ve never seen it, and I’ve been told I am the only one. 🙄 

I’m also obsessed with short clips of Schitt’s Creek on Instagram. There will never be another David and Moira! If by some minuscule chance you have not watched this show, I highly recommend.

MUSIC

I think I have shared this before, but this song just will not get out of my head. I can’t explain why. Micole says it’s because it’s rhyme-y. I think it’s because it’s poignant.

Peter, by Taylor Swift.

…

And I won't confess that I waited
But I let the lamp burn
As the men masqueraded
I hoped you'd return
With your feet on the ground
Tell me all that you'd learned
Cause love's never lost when perspective is earned
And you said you'd come and get me but you were 25
And the shelf life of those fantasies has expired
Lost to the lost boys chapter of your life
Forgive me Peter, please know that I tried
To hold onto the days when you were mine
But the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light

Thanks for reading!

That’s it for this week. (Want more? You can find past editions here). I hope you have a great weekend and upcoming week. Please keep sharing /forwarding to your friends/groups 😄 . You can also email me privately by hitting reply on this email.

PS