Hi ! Winding down to the end of the year, or are you the busiest you’ve ever been? Yes and Yes. This week I am thinking and writing about good moods, funny children, crazy gym instructors and men who make us so angry we write whole albums about them. - Eve D.❣️

I’m in an unusually good mood as I write this! It’s Friday morning (as opposed to Friday evening, when I usually write this newsletter), and I am not as tired, and am excited for the weekend (even though I won’t get to see G). Why am I excited for the weekend? Who knows. It’s going to be filled with work, work, and more work. I am also going to try and spring clean the house for Christmas decor. The tree is meant to go up next weekend (I won’t be here, so kids will do the heavy lifting of that job). And yes…I am going away next week for 4 days to a remote part of South Africa…hours aways from electricity, internet, shops, hospitals and barrista-made coffee. On the down side, it’s not miles away from snakes (and more snakes), leopards, spiders, bats (!!!!!!!!), and other atrocities. If I survive, I’ll tell you all about it and post photos (not next newsletter, but the one after that). And yes, I will still send a newsletter next week (it will be pre-written and scheduled, and hopefully full of Christmas cheer. But, once again, who knows?).

Remember last week I was also excited, for my wild idea to send snail mail to some of you? Many of you wrote to me and were equally delighted by the idea, but every single person, no matter where they were in the world said that a) they don’t trust their post office and/or b) they definitely don’t trust the South Africa’s post office. This is fair!! I get my municipality bills (sent from down the road) delivered three or four months late, and only about 3 months out of 12 per year. So yes, our post office is shot. And there isn’t a real solution to this problem. So…no snail mail. I am really upset by this. (Thank you to all of you who wrote and offered to exchange emails instead! We’re doing it 😃) . So, no snail mail for now. (I’m still figuring out how to make it work). Laura sent me this, which makes me both extremely happy and extremely sad. I want(ed) a part of this world! https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMAswfY5m/

Week in review…

😎 I had a great weekend. G and I hosted friends who came to watch the rugby (we won); I listened to Taylor Swift while I was carmelising onions for burgers and G rolled his eyes, and then put on his music which turned out to be AI generated, but that he still preferred to Taylor Swift 😂. The rest of the time was pretty chill. I slept in on Sunday (had this weird experience: G had to get up early to run an errand, and I stayed in bed and bid him adieu, then I blinked for a second and when I opened up my eyes he hadn’t budged from the foot of the bed where I last saw him, and I asked him why he hadn’t left yet and he said he was already back, and I had somehow lost an hour of my life to instant deep sleep, which was a bit disorientating). Then went then out for breakfast, enjoyed some rain, and prepared for the week ahead.

🎒 Micole is done with school and she really is done. She has no obligations (won’t start working until Feb, although she is doing an AI program in the meantime). She definitely needs the mental break, because she has been on full throttle for 4 years. Now she is sitting on the couch, watching Friends and making Christmas decorations. I’ve never seen her happier. (Although I wonder how long she will last until the boredom drives her mad). I am a bit envious, but then I remember she has decades of career-ladder climbing and putting-in-for-leave ahead of her, and I shudder in horror.

💰️ Zac is motivating for a 3D printer, and is self-learning 3D modelling to show he is serious about this. He modelled this, and sent it to me, which I think is pretty cool (it’s a fidget toy he got last year, and now wants to copy, print and sell for huge profit. Seriously, printing plastic is cheap.)

And now he sends Micole and me WhatsApps like the one below, with the idea to solve our problems by designing 3D objects. Unfortunately we can’t print our way out of too-much-work and hating-to-cook.

Speaking of Zac, this is the type of conversations we have. (We were doing the NYT mini crossword):

Zac: What’s 5-down?
Me: Yoko
Zac: Huh?
Me: John Lennon’s wife
Zac: Huh?
Me: From the Beatles
Zac: I’ve heard of him!
Me: He’s the one who got shot
Zac: Is that what Bohemian Rhapsody is about????
Me: 🙄 no…

Also! Remember I told you I challenged the kids to make R1,000 doing/selling something for Christmas? Well, that was motivated by our suburb organising a kids Xmas market for fun, which you’d think would be a great place for Zac to sell his wares. Thing is though, he hates markets (he participated in one once where he had to sell popcorn and he barely survived from boredom). Micole has the totally opposite energy and loves markets, and is also quite competitive. Anyway, I booked a stall for them and this conversation happened:

🤸‍♀️ I went to a new pilates class, and the instructor was mad. She acted like she was coked up or something, and it’s really not the kind of vibe I needed at 8am on a weekend morning. She also came to class in heeled boots (in the middle of summer), and yes I took a photo. Mad!!! I could see half the class loved her energy, the other half (my half) couldn’t wait to get out of there. She was loud..literally, she screamed at us the whole class…and I am not in love with anything that brings back high-school PT lessons. To each their own, I guess. But I’m still mentally recovering.

Be a nuisance!

This is a recurring theme for me in this newsletter, so clearly still a lesson I need to learn. Last weekend, when I arrived at G’s he asked me if I want anything to drink and my immediate response was “Are you going to have something?”. To which G rolled his eyes (again) and said “That’s not the question. Do you want something to drink?”. It’s like I have a built in aversion to being a nuisance, and to be honest it’s pissing off even me.

Then we went out for breakfast on Sunday morning and were seated in a noisy part of restaurant. I was immediately overwhelmed by the noise, and realised it would be difficult to talk to G. I commented on the loudness. G asked if I want to move. I hesitated (we were already seated, we had put in drink orders, he looked comfortable etc etc). Took a deep breath, said “Yes”. We (easily) moved to the other side of the restaurant, on the balcony. Fresh air! We were the only ones there! Peace! I had a completely different (ie brilliant) experience than I would have had if I hadn’t spoken up. Take up space! be a nuisance!

[this would have been a brilliant time to be able to insert a photo of me enjoying the surroundings, but of course I once again did not take any photos]

Let’s talk Divorce Album

Last week I recommended you (we) listen to the Lily Allen divorce album (West End Girl), and I followed my own advice (and read all the lyrics) and now I have a lot to say.

1..
First, a quick-ish synopsis (I got all this from the not at all cryptic lyrics). She was (seemingly) happily married to David Harbour. They bought a brownstone in NYC, all was good. She got offered a leading role in a play in London, and left him and the kids for a while. While she was there, he calls her and says he wants an open marriage. He wants to be able to have sex with other people. She’s devastated, but they agree that as long as it’s discreet, and non-emotional (ie paid for) it will be ok. While visiting her in London, he shows her something on his phone and then snatches the phone away. She gets suspicious, checks his messages, realises there is an ongoing liaison going on with “Madeline”. She writes to Madeline, they talk. She’s clearly not paid to sleep with him, and it’s definitely an affair. Madeleine says she was told Lily is aware of it, but if David is lying she wants to know because she is not into that at all. Lily then goes to David’s apartment (which they kept when they bought the brownstone) and realises that it’s a “Pussy Palace”, filled with “sex toys, butt plugs and hundreds of Trojans”. She begins to refer to David as a sex addict. He somehow convinces her that she should try this behaviour. She goes onto dating apps to meet other men, “hates it, hates it, hates it”. They decide to separate. He convinces her to keep reasons discreet, tell everyone “it was a mutual decision”, keep it sane for the children’s sake. She agrees. But then she gets angrier, and angrier. And realises she will not keep quiet. She will speak her mind. She then writes the album in just over a week, and records it in 16 days. And here we are.

So the question is: is it right for Lily Allen to “embarrass” her ex like this? At first I was in the firm "no" camp. Dirty laundry does not need to be aired. I imagine myself in her shoes. If my partner (no, don’t think of G here!) asked for an open relationships, and I agreed, and he fell for someone else, and gaslit me to try it too, and then I woke up one day and realised this was bullshit, I would certainly feel betrayed, but I'd feel betrayed by me. I would have allowed this to happen to me. I would had lost myself. What did I think would happen? What’s a logical ending to this scenario? I’d be embarrassed, shameful.

To deal with this embarrassment, shame and guilt at my own self-betrayal, I’d get really, really angry. To be honest, I was in her situation (but when I say "her situation" I mean the heartbreak and self-betrayal part, not the open relationship part!) and let me tell you: I was livid and I wanted him to hurt and be embarrassed and be humiliated and to squirm. And yes, if I had a voice, and an audience, I would have loved the opportunity to write a similar album. But, that was in the heat of the moment. If I had done that then, today I’d be mortified.

Lily Allen's saving grace is that already in this album she comes full circle...yes, she shows herself as a victim (she IS a victim!), but she quickly sheds that identity and comes out with a strong "I'm still standing, and fuck you" attitude. When I listen to the “Let you win“ song, where she explains how she will not be gaslit into a quiet, amicable separation for her ex’s sake, I take my hat off to her. Good for you, girl. Do what you need to do because men do what they need to do all the fucking time.

As a bonus, she’s been vindicated: her ex is seen as a dick (there is now also a story about how his Stranger Things co-star has laid pages and pages of bullying and harassment accusations against him) and there are thousands (millions?) of women in Lily’s camp who not only support and admire her, but who have been strengthened by her approach. And who, I think, also now feel seen in all the shit they had to go through at some point in their lives (this is all of us).

2..
But there is another aspect to this album I want to mention. As we women listen to it, we all get taken back to some points in our lives where we too wished we could write an album (see my own reference above). But, chances are high that most of us can now view that time from a distance, and can appreciate how that heartbreak was necessary for our growth. I suspect we are all better, stronger, happier because/despite the past hardships. The humiliation, shame, heartbreak, trauma dissipate. They always do. The universe gives us what we need, and nothing that we cannot handle.

I believe all those experiences strengthen us, and help us define who we are, and what we want/need from relationships. I know that my relationship with G is unlike any I’ve ever had before. It is completely bizarre and foreign to me, to be honest, and yet it’s one of the best ones I’ve ever had. I’m having a good time, almost all of the time. And I think it’s because I’ve actually learnt lessons, and because I’ve actually been strengthened. And for that, I am very grateful.

So we can listen to the album, and feel Lily’s heartbreak and disappointment, but we also know that she will be just fine. And that’s another lesson she is helping teach us: to appreciate how resilient and strong we really are.

I’ve been watching…

We watched The Phoenician Scheme …which is a Wes Anderson movie. Amazing how Wes Anderson is the type of director who, when we hear “it’s a Wes Anderson movie” tells us everything we need to know about the movie. You either like his style, or you don’t. This movie was ok, but nothing will beat his French Dispatch or his Grand Budapest Hotel. I highly recommend you watch both of those, if you haven’t yet.

Looking ahead…

Like I said, I am going away for a long weekend! But there is much work to be done before then so I am spending this weekend doing it. Next week you can expect a newsletter filled with lots and lots of links to other (fantastic) things to read, written by other people. That’s the idea, at least.

Thanks for reading!

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P.S.